Hide-And-Seek

2008-05-30T18:39:00.000+08:00

written and performed by David Sylvian

World Citizen - I Won’t Be Disappointed

What happened here?
The butterfly has lost its wings
The air’s too thick to breathe
And there’s something in the drinking water.

The sun comes up
The sun comes up and you’re alone
Your sense of purpose come undone
The traffic tails back to the maze on 101

And the news from the sky
Is looking better for today
In every single way
But not for you

World citizen

World citizen

It’s not safe
All the yellow birds are sleeping
Cos the air’s not fit for breathing
It’s not safe

Why can’t we be
Without beginning, without end?
Why can’t we be?

World citizen

World citizen

And if I stop
And talk with you awhile
I’m overwhelmed by the scale
Of everything you feel
The lonely inner state emergency

I want to feel
Until my heart can take no more
And there’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t give

I want to break
The indifference of the days
I want a conscience that will keep me wide awake

I won’t be disappointed
I won’t be disappointed
I won’t be.

I saw a face
It was a face I didn’t know
Her sadness told me everything about my own

Can’t let it be
When least expected there she is
Gone the time and space that separates us

And I’m not safe
I think I need a second skin
No, I’m not safe

World citizen

World citizen

I want to travel by night
Across the steppes and over seas
I want to understand the cost
Of everything that’s lost
I want to pronounce all their names correctly

World citizen

World citizen

I won’t be disappointed
I won’t be.

She doesn’t laugh
We’ve gone from comedy to commerce
And she doesn’t feel the ground she walks upon

I turn away
And I’m not sleeping well at night
And while I know this isn’t right
What can you do?

2008-05-17T01:32:00.003+08:00

Day 6

Our trip to Jew town. We visited all the shops-catered specially for tourists. The Jewish synagoge was a little old and cant take pictures inside, but they have tiles from china! Like Blue porcelain, cools:)

Visited an old catholic church

Went to the beach close to the church after. I havent seen these plastic things in a loooong while:)

Chinese nets at the beach. Saw alot of these through the trip.

Grp photo!

2008-05-17T01:30:00.002+08:00

When I cant see You,
I pray that I seek you,
When I cant feel Your presence,
I pray that Your light reaches me there.
When everything falls into darkness,
May we know
that that figure enthroned in Love,
will seek us forever,
forever there.

2008-05-16T01:45:00.003+08:00

Day 4 and 5

Went to Munnar's tea plantation

Passed a waterfall on the way:)

The flowers are unbelievably beautiful! Perfect, must be the cold air!

The scenery is like the jigsaw puzzle landscapes.

Met fellow tourists, think we're the only light skinned people around, kept getting stared at. People are really friendly tho, in a curious kind of way...

Boating trip with me weilian liz and george in the other boat. The cool air and gorgeous scenery made it worth the exercise:) Esther saw the a snake in the water, but they had a hard time peddling back against the current. We were smarter tho, haha!

At the market in Munnar.

Denmark in India!

At the National Park- Saw many Nigiritar, the species of goat close to extinction in India.

2008-05-16T01:11:00.005+08:00

Day 3

Went to a hotel on the way to the waterfall. Swarms and swarms of butterflies like a fairy ring, the most amazing sight:)

Charles the Great bathing in the river.

Lunch at a restaurant, taken from a window showing the kitchen. Nice domestic scene.

Outside the restaurant.
P.s. Shian killed a lizard on the car with his bare hands!

A tribe of monkeys on the way to the waterfall. Funny expression,

The waterfall was a cooling experience. After though, it started raining heavily and we got soaked to the skin.

2008-05-16T00:35:00.003+08:00

Day 2

Went for a walk around george's neighbourhood.

Flowers given by the children in the neighbourhood. They are so happy and innocent they make me wonder where my childhood went...

Tried to capture the 'taxis' in the city, the 'tuk tuk's of India- the people are so friendly u wont believe.

The Korean dragonfly!

Crowning image of the trip! Looks like a cross doesnt it;p

On the boating trip- we took like at least 3 boats for the whole trip, not sea sick tho- it was beautiful!

Reflections on India...

2008-05-16T00:06:00.005+08:00

Ok, this is going to be really slow cause of the uploading so i will be taking my time uploading!:)

The first nite...

Met in the airport at 6...

At the airport

On the plane- the missing people!

The church in George's name!

I guess this trip has been for me a spiritual return to God. Seeing how people profess their faith openly, putting 'Jesus' on license plates and 'God Loves Us' on the backs of trucks are definite indicators of how much importance people place in God, and how much they love Him. The streets crowded with debris and stray animals and everything NOT structured as in Singapore, India was a real eye opener for me.

India is really a different place, where drivers drive with character and where the people are passionate and friendly, and not just to tourists. There were many picturesque places that we absolutely did not expect, and it broadened my world-view alot- the world does NOT revolve around one way of thinking, and Asians are definitely much more reserved in behaviour.

2008-05-01T02:23:00.003+08:00

so it's been packed thru and thru...:)

2008-04-30T21:35:00.004+08:00

yishan wif her gelare waffle yesterday, yum!

Went out wif aep gals, didnt we haf a gr8 time!

Celebrated for sl and sw, mudpie!!!

sorry van, dere's like accidents in both group photos!

After dis, just more and more packing to be done for india. The excitement's dulling but guess the kick will come in on fri itself. Still, cant wait to be out of singapore, India's calling:)

Another day

2008-04-28T10:32:00.004+08:00

And more postings...

This was taken on a trip to katong, love the moody effect:)

Cindy once told me that I loved taking moody pictures, I guess so, since if it is a mood i want to ascribe to a place, it is mostly the nostalgic that attracts me like no other. Maybe that's why I love black and white?

it's getting harder and harder to write.

can I make up with some drawings?

I'm on a roll with Charles De Lint, one of the few insights I got:

Imagine if the world were totally fair, it would be scary, wouldn't it? Because we would deserve all the bad things that happened to us, and that would have meant at some point in time, we were pretty creepy people.

How's that for escapism?

LC

Back

2008-04-27T21:53:00.007+08:00

I just love these cats!

at the hairdresser's...

some sketches... actually got alot more but it takes too long to load!

Timbre at ADM end of the year party:) With Esther, Song I and Wei Lian

I love this shot:)

Am back after yet another long spell of silence.

It's after year one, well into the hols with me furiously catching up on my reading- so what else is new?

I wonder if it would be possible to recall everything that i went through in a year. Wad if the human brain were compartmentalized such that days can be called up like home videos, or even a blog. My attempts to capture time are pitifully minute though, realms and realms of sketches in hardcover sketchbooks that give me a small thrill to look through but overall, just an obsession to put pen to paper. Maybe that's how i find meaning, maybe dat's not the best way to live. Or wad de, does it even matter?

Nevermind the weird looks i get in cafes, nevermind the 'not agains' from my friends. Maybe I'm not that talkative, maybe that's how i puzzle out what the heck i'm doing in this life. Maybe that's how i deal with things, through texture and lines. When i draw something down, i learn something new about you. The lines in your face, the frown, the wrinkles. I never noticed you had that mole on your cheek, hey, u have a smile i want so much to capture and keep forever. Maybe it's that familiar way u tuck your hair behind an ear, talking animatedly to the person opposite you or just leaning against the window in the mrt with a book tucked in the nook of your arm.

Sometimes i feel that I'm trying to live too much from others. It's a habit I have, just letting everything seep in and change the way i experience things. Good? When it is enriching and new, but it gets old pretty quick, then im left with 'so what now?'. Lucky life is big. Momentary things may be, there's always things to fill the moment.

Went to wei lian's church today. Fearing God. I lack a healthy fear, but the sermon changed something. When i think it through i'll write it down. I'm actually quite slow when it comes to important stuff, but I guess all my friends shuld already know that;)

Secret Self

2007-09-24T00:17:00.000+08:00

Have you ever felt,
trapped,
where no one knows you,
or would want to.
Where you seem like a fragment of existence,
where no one can see
who you truly are.

The joys of the earth,
light of the morn and breeze of the night,
seem as non-existent
and far away
as if you were at the murky bottom
of that vast, wide sea,
gazing up at a moon that you cannot see
but know, fervently,
that if there.

The keys of that dusty piano,
seem to play just for you-
that haunting melody,
that speaks of someone lost,
never to be found,
again.

24 Sept 2007

You smile,
eye bags like swelling cresents,
lips stretching in a worm-like grimace,
reveaing teeth stained with caffaine.

And After a Long While with Zilch News...

2007-09-07T21:28:00.000+08:00

I'm back! Hopfully for good. There is something to be said for regular writing, which i should get into regularly, or there would be a brain drain:(

What have i been doing since the As... well, alot has happened, so uch so that i feel jc was a million years away, in another lifetime. Life at NTU is great, as great as a sense of liberation can give you, though life at hall can be a tad lonely, especially for an unsociable person like me.

Work and personal life is very different, i realise. In the past it never seemed to be, but i guess i have more need for human contact now, though that sounds weird. I am extremely grateful to all my friends whom i have taken for granted- thank you for always reaching out to me.

I really feel that a person is really an isolated being. That's probably why we turn to the divine, who seems to have all the time and the mental inclination to care about you. One thing that I can say is that i have drawn so far away from God that even the Bible has ceased to inspire me- which is really bad. A mental lethargy- probably cause I have never really felt involved or engaged in church- it's just a great ball of sadness and misery for me there.

There was a time when I thought things could change, there was a time when thought effort could change things. I get discouraged easily. If i could live the moment, and not get stuck constantly in retrospection.

Really, sometimes life is so complicated.

2007-02-19T09:59:00.000+08:00

After reading Flowers for Algernon, I feel myself examining how i truly feel about Yong Li.

Have I truly seen him as a person? Or is he merely another presence in my life, unknown and disregarded? Is he an afterthought, without his own character to distinguish him as worthy of attention?

Perhaps i'm being too hard on myself, but i find that i have never truly thought about how he might feel, always assumed that i treat him well.

I feel so many emotions, whenever i think about why things have happened the way they do, i feel like crying, like raging why! and trying to convince myself that God intended this to make us learn something. It is unfair, and it hurts because i cannot bring myself to see him as a person. Knowing that he needs love and attention, i have to admit that selfish emotions boil up, an instinctive reaction in me that i know he does not deserve.

How am I supposed to feel? Pity? Love? Despair? Hate? Reluctance? Anger?

Everyday I am faced with all these, and I am determinedly trying to ignore and suppress and hide these behind a wall of obliviousness and guilt. I have never tried to understand, because i hate not being able to resolve it and move on. There is NOTHING to resolve, except my steadfast denial and neglect of a brother that does not announce his presence by asserting himself. In some ways he is most worthy of love, because he does not ever place expectations, accepts me as the way i am, and never demand that i apologize for the things i do not do for him, for all the time that I dont think of him.

It is not Love, but Need.

Perhaps that is why i resent him sometimes, because I know that I will, forever, be the one who will give more than i can receive. But that is not true. It is unfair and undeserving to think that, because in his closed world we might mean more to him than we think. Might. God, I hate uncertainties, but it is always an unopened Pandora's box with Yong Li.

Perhaps it is time that i looked beyond my own selfishness. It is difficult to be accepting, unreserved love requires as much, if not more effort than it sounds. But i think it's time i stopped running, stopped to see and allow myself to feel. There are so many parts of Yong Li that I love, so much that i have to find out. I might not like what i find, about him as well as about myself, but it's a start. Ignorance is not an excuse, it is cowardice, of fearing to reach out and understand.

And maybe then i'll find hope at the bottom of the box.

Your Cruel Gentleness

2007-01-18T12:17:00.000+08:00

I have sworn
that you would always be
the closest in my heart,
even as your presence
disappears in this world,
leaving only a lingering scent
of wildflowers, sweet and warm.
Yet I have broken this promise,
with the rising of his sun-like presence,
filling me to the brim with joy,
that overflows and pools around me,
a golden liquid path that glints in the light
and leads me to Paradise.
I cannot convince myself
that this love is wrong,
even as your presence diminishes,
a last sweet smile hovering in my dream,
as mist consumes your form.
I no longer see you
as clear as day, your smile as light as spring's breeze.
The cruel gentleness
that your image provides;
the memory that tears into my soul-
it is longed for and yet dreaded,
as elusive as the wind
it comes and goes,
and is yet never truly gone.

Where is the love?

2007-01-17T23:20:00.000+08:00

What do I do when i run out of tears to cry
each of us living in our separate universes,
each trying to reach,
to reach out and be understood and loved,
to be comforted by acceptance
and warmed by camaraderie.

What do I do when nothing seems real,
each of us slogging mindlessly,
in attempts to outdo the other,
all the while forgetting
that we yearn for friendship and love,
not daggers of betrayal or stabs of rejection.

What do I shout to the limitless sky,
when I feel my presence is insignificant and unneeded,
when I cry to God only to hear a wordless reply,
all the while forgetting
it is not in the tangibles that all is conveyed,
and yet the intangibles are so easily ignored, overlooked.

It is a shame, really,
that life runs in circles.
The journey is never straight,
never easy,
mostly because we get sidetracked by conflicts,
tensions occurring in our mistrust and fear.

2007-01-17T22:27:00.000+08:00

The explosion of quietness that hit her as she stepped into the house was disturbing, fearsome in its unknown quality. There seemed to be a shrill ring of a siren in the air, a warning, as she stepped through the doorway into what had been her home.

Had been, she reminded herself. And will never be again.

It had not been possible to cry less at her parents' funeral, and now she was alone.

Alone, except for a half-present aunt who tried to be around but had a life of her own to live. A life that had not included the care of her sixteen year old niece. Sometimes, especially when Sarah was in a rebellious mood and not feeling charitable enough to be civil, she wondered from the exasperation in her aunt's eyes if Florence resented her sister for dying and leaving her with an uncompliant teenager.

Not that Sarah cared anyway, what Florence thought. Not much. So many things had seemed trivial after the crash; so many things had changed that the tiny details of life no longer seemed worthy of note. Like the way her grades had plummeted, and the way her friends were shying away from her sharp-edged retorts and sarcastic comments.

They wanted to be there for her, tried to be understanding, but they didn't know how. They did not know the all-encompassing grief that engulfed her whenever she remembered her parents, the times they went for picnics at the beach, dinner at restaurants, or a holiday to Hong Kong. In death her parents were perfect, all traces of arguments gone, living saints in her mind's eye.

There could be no one to replace them, especially not her aunt, who had little tolerance for feelings other than her own and didn't know how to handle an emotionally unstable teenager.

"You should be glad that there's someone left to take care of you," she had shouted at the door that Sarah had shut in her face, as Sarah bit her lip and tears had washed her face anew. There could be no forgiveness after that, no hint of goodwill left in her bleeding heart to accept the blunt and clumsy love that Florence offered.

That was why she was back, in an empty house full of memories, of childhood innocence and adolecent regrets.

The sense of quiet was deep, sharp and yawning, like a dark sea that threatened to pull her in and drown her in its heaviness. She was alone, desperately so.

"I am alone now," she announced into the cool still air. There could be no response, only the lavender scent of air-freshener and books that reminded her of times that seemed long ago,that she had lost and could never find again.

Death of the Rose

2007-01-14T23:22:00.000+08:00

She lies concealed,
in the thorny underbush
that traps her from warmth;
imprisoned by the sharp venom
of threat and pain-
actions that are
unacted
yet still fearsome,
meaning that is unsaid,
yet so horribly conveyed.
The bleeding crimson
of the blood that does not
flow-
it has frozen in the
cold, the swell
of dark purple veins
belie the truth of
the inert heart;
so lovely,
but so cold.

2007-01-07T23:58:00.000+08:00

So this will be my first official entry for the year...

well, i cant say that nothing much has happened, because so much has. Ppl might be wondering where i've disappeared to, but, well, to say the truth, i've never relli left except for the occasional trip to mars, hahas.

I'm working now at ben and jerry's, hahas, thanx to kim who came to pong chang on the first day!!!! I hope i can get the hang of everything soon, but janice and everyone is so helpful and encouraging, despite the high standards and expectations, that i feel quite relieved and enjoy working so much it's like fun everyday;p

Today's church gathering was such a success that i feel the love in the air, thank God for all the wonderful things that he has given mi!!! I'm like so stupid to be so negative all the time, because there is so much joy in life that i've missed just by moaning about things, that i've never relli felt young before. I relli want to change that now!

What is love? It's a rush of warmth when u feel the appreciation of the other. The thing that makes mi truly happy is when i feel that the other person can rely on me instead of mi always depending on that person. That kind of dependence i haf is the Yong En syndrome, hahas, the big brother syndrome, that i rely on him for stuff that i cannot do alone. Thanx a billion, big bro!

I guess that's the reason behind mi not confessing to the guy i've liked for so long at church. He's someone who inspires respect in mi, and i can feel that he values my words, which makes mi feel tingly all over, hahas. I've like given so much thought on this matter, fearing it to be puppy love or infatuation or just plain admiration, tt i've missed the point completely, i suppose. Love shouldn't be complicated or afraid, because it is something so rare and happy that it lights a person's soul from within and should leave no room for doubt or worry.

Missing the point is like so normal for mi. I think so much that i'm like sunny who chases his tail, haha. hurray for self inspection, and gambate for living life to the fullest! Haha!

2006-12-31T14:42:00.000+08:00

Can anyone say that they truly know themselves? The more i interact with the outside world, the more i find the need to portray a certain image, be it sensible, cool, fun-loving, shy, forth-right, and so on. The greatest irony is that i'm not sensible, cool, fun-loving, shy, forthright, etc all the time. Sometimes, i don't even know who i am, the face that i present to different people are according to the expectations they have of me, or how i want to be seen by them. I can be tactful, and tactless, noisy and quiet. I can be a crazy woman, crack lame jokes, and yet present a detached and confident front. Am I putting on an act, yes, I would think so, but that's also part of who I am. The crux of the whole matter is what kind of facade i am putting on for different people. I can feel excitement and apprehension, joy and jealousy- all these emotions are not isolated and alone. So who am I? I don't really know, only that i'm complicated enough to give myself a splitting headache if i try to dissect and reason why i feel what i feel. I'm past the stage of agonising about myself, it won't help matters if i moan about things without doing anything about it. so.. what am i gg to do abt it?

2006-12-31T14:39:00.000+08:00

having prolonged holidays might sound like fun, but it's a dead bore if you haf absolutely nothing to do- or haf too much that you don't want to, good grief...

Monotony

2006-12-23T09:01:00.000+08:00

Why do we do things
that we dislike,
all senses screaming at the futility
of action
even as our hands
are compelled to move
in endless monotony?

It is the notion
of something better
beyond that monotony
that drives me-
whether or not
that it really comes through-
is another matter.

2006-12-20T12:16:00.000+08:00

Raindrops keep falling on my head.... hahahahah!

It's finally stopped raining, yipee!

not that it does any good to poor old mi still stuck at home... o well, hahas.

Sky still overcast, but it's not too bad, yeah;p

Reading 'The Heart is a lonely hunter' for now, it's a great book. Thanx Mrs Gan!

2006-12-18T20:41:00.000+08:00

How can you so easily
say the words
that hurt me so much?
Why is it,
that my tears fall
unbidden,
uncontrolled,
so hatefully,
betraying my emotions?

There seems an eternity
between me
and relief
how much you hurt me
I want to hurt you back.
I am not perfect,
I cannot control this surge
of anger that threatens
to choke me,
wrangling my thoughts
making me worse than I
already am.

I have to leave,
to get away,
before I do something
I regret.

Misunderstandings

2006-12-16T22:38:00.000+08:00

It happens
when we disagree,
when we cant seem to realize
how much we are hurting
each other
with words that we say
or leave unsaid.

I want to hurt you,
so that you'd understand
the pain that I'm
going through,
so that you'd come around to my view.

I don't want to hurt you,
so I keep my feelings trapped
screaming inside the empty vessel
of my heart,
so fiercely I cant even breathe.

I cant scream,
I want to cry,
I know I cant show any weakness
for you to hurt me;
I hide.

Where I hide I do not know,
I only feel the aching of my soul.
Cry, because I am hurt,
Cry, because I feel pain-
Cry, because you never understand-

My soul is torn in pieces,
pieces I never find.

Imprints

2006-12-09T22:37:00.000+08:00

The crashing of the waves
against the jagged rocks below
beats steadily on my ear
as I leave my dripping footprints
deep in the sand,
stepping, doubly hard,
so that the imprints are clear,
although I know
they will be washed away,
as soon as the next wave comes
crashing, sinking my feet
in swirling particles of white and gold.

I try anyway, doubly hard,
to leave a part of me
on this beach,
even as I know,
all trace will be eventually erased,
just as I finally
leave this world, sinking my feet
in swirling white clouds reflected on golden paths.

Dying Again

2006-12-08T11:36:00.000+08:00

I feel the tear from your weeping eye
that slides down the length of my pale cold arm,
it is warm, with the heat of your pain.

Do you know that you are killing me
all over again
my heart that is crying
crimson tears that tear my soul
into pieces.

I can feel the hotness of your palms
clenching my lifeless one-
do you know that you are suffocating
my soul that is still
alive and watching?

If you only know
the soft wind that is caressing your hair
the cool tremours on your hand-
that I am here,

right beside you,
dying once again
from the pain of your love.

2006-12-07T00:31:00.000+08:00

I see the widening distance between us-
it is a rift that tears us into halves-
slowly, like the withering
of a peeled rose,
It is our hearts that are torn in two.

Is this Love?

2006-12-05T23:50:00.000+08:00

Why do i feel this vague longing,
that tug in my heart,
when your face appears in my mind?

I am unable to stop
your smile that blossoms in my heart,
like the warm rays of an emerging rainbow.

It sends tingles into my soul,
that flutter in my breast
is both disconcerting and exhilarating.

It is both terror and laughter,
the joy of anticipation-
it is your presence that I long for, and yet dread.

How could I face rejection,
how could I face the shattering of
my perfect dream?

It is both need and denial-
I try to convince myself
that life can go on without you.

I hope that I am not wrong,
even as my heart still quickens at your smile-
I must yet, learn to live alone.

Madness

2006-12-03T07:48:00.000+08:00

Madness is daring to be different from the majority:)

'Everyone is mad, indeed, the maddest are the ones who don't know they're mad, but keep repeating what others tell them to.

If people don't like it, they can complain. And if they don't have the courage to complain, that's their problem.

What's dignity? It's wanting everyone to think you're good, well-behaved, full of love for your fellow man. Have some respect for nature, watch a few films about animals and see how they fight for their own space.'

-extracts from Veronika Decides to Die

I feel that sometimes we are made to give way and be considerate so much that we lose a sense of self, so much so that we build up all our resentments inside because we want to be accepted as the 'correct' type of person, the caring, considerate type that the values of our society respect.

Yet, to what extent should we be obliging, considerate puppets who move at society's whims?

Granted, our characters are so developed that we naturally desire most of the things that society approves of- the effect of brainwashing from young, but do we give in to the incessant demands of a materialistic culture that threatens to reduce us to work ourselves to death buying useless, frivolous things that only serve to inflate our self-importance and soothe our growing egos?

And yet, on the other end of the spectrum, what if we become so selfish and inconsiderate, living for the betterment of ourselves, such we are reduced to animals, fighting, red in tooth and claw, heedless of the pain and suffering of those who are brainwashed by society to care about the detrimental effects of your actions- will we truly not be able to attain the care and concern that we crave and need when we are finally shunned by the majority?

Perhaps, hiding our madness is the best, because we live in this world. Would it be better to be labelled an eccentric, or be welcomed in every social circle that you come into, even as if you feel that your life is a never-ending act, and your true self is lost in the depths of your smiling facade, and your inner child is reduced from the loud-wailing at conception to tiny whimpers of sickness?

2006-12-02T23:01:00.000+08:00

Realized tt i've not been thinking this past few days.. hope after the celebratory spirit has settled i'll be motivated to think again...

Yea...

You'll Be Safe Here

2006-11-29T21:07:00.000+08:00

You'll Be Safe Here by rivermaya

Nobody knows why we're here
Could it be fate or random circumstance
At the right place at the right time
two roads intertwine
And if the unverse conspired
to meld our lives
to make us fuel and fire
Then know whereverer you will be
So too shall I be

Close your eyes dry your tears
'Cause when nothing seems clear
You'll be safe here
From the sheer weight of your doubts and tears
Weary heart
You'll be safe here

Remember how we laughed until we cried
At the most stupid things like we were so high
But love was all that we were on, we belong
And though the world would never understand
This unlikely union and why it stands
Someday we will be set free
Pray and believe

When the light disappears
And when this world's insincere
You'll be safe here
When nobody hears you scream
I'll scream with you
You'll be safe here

Save your eyes from your tears
When everything's unclear
You'll be safe here
From the sheer weight of your doubts and tears
Wounded heart
When the light disappears
And when the world's insincere
You'll be safe here

When nobody hears you scream
I'll scream with you
You'll be safe here
In my arms through the long cold night
Sleep tight
you'll be safe here
When no one understands
I'll believe

You'll be safe
you'll be safe
You'll be safe here

Put your heart in my hands
You'll be safe here

hahas, the lyrics relli spoke to me, think it's the best song in their album;p

One day after the As

2006-11-29T20:33:00.000+08:00

It was a great ONE-DAY-AFTER-As, hahaz!

Went out shopping wif my mom, think I splurged on alot of stuff, hahz!

First, went out early to bishan library to return ALL the overdue books- that 5 plus of yuan wang money down the drain, thanx alot. Met wei lian to go there, cause she was also doing research for her trip to germany, envious, when can I go overseas too!

Next, met wif my mom and we went to sakae at borders to haf sushi, mmm... had unagi sushi and beef udon, yummilishious! then went to borders, where I found alison croggon's third book, cant wait for it to come out in the lib!

Then we walked over to taka, got some coloured paper from art fren, and the purple book that i've been wanting for like- forever. It's 11 plus, a real find from the 20 plus ones i saw at borders, and much beta looking. Here starts my journey of keeping a journal! Hopefully, the impetus of a nice notebook will keep me writing, heheh;p

We went to kino after that, where i got fruits basket 21! Great, it's like finally out la, after so long...I had to get it secretly though, when my mom wasn't looking hah, or she'll surely say me again:) relli looking forward to tsubasa and holic the chuang yi version, tsubasa the cover is chao nice, wif a goth look, sakura looks so cool;p

After, we went to cd rama, and yup, I finally got the rivermaya cd that i've been lusting after for so long, and i'm uploading my ipod as i type:P

Lastly, went to j8, where we had coffee at coffee bean, and a nice blueberry cheesecake, muakz! I got a new pair of pants, it's brown btw, the only brown one I haf, and although I felt guilty about the splurge, the cut is just too nice to resist... I'll just justify myself by saying it's the first new item of clothes that I've got since i dunno when, hahas.

Okies, so that's a rundown of my day, feeling the bliss of satisfaction. Hopefully, tomolo will be as eventful, cheers!

2006-11-28T19:59:00.000+08:00

The tears that fall from your pale,
white cheeks,
like moisture from the blue blue ocean...
taste both salty- and sweet.

Unicorn

2006-11-28T13:54:00.000+08:00

I spied a unicorn in the glade,
its horn shining an iridescent shade,
and when it saw me creeping near,
it shed a rainbow coloured tear.

I wondered why it cried,
I wondered what it had been denied,
when such a beautiful creature to behold,
would have something so daringly withhold.

But as I stepped forth to offer my aid,
it shied away, from nothing I said,
and it was then that I knew,
it was the loneliness of knowing too few.

hahas, on reading this poem, I find that I quite like it:P I had initially thought of ending it with one stanza, but perhaps that wouldn't have done it much justice, heh. Still... EVERYTHING IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!

hahas, it's great that I can just start slacking for a bit, and do whatever I want. It still feels unreal though, like the 3 hr paper is actually not over. What a difference a few hrs can make in terms of mindset, haha.

great, i can now start planning what I want to do... still feel a little lost, but i'll get used to it, i suppose, haz;p Graduation wan sui!!!!!

Innocence

2006-11-25T22:25:00.000+08:00

If I could be innocent for a day,
not engage in life's bitter fray,
watch as clouds flitter by by day,
listening to that creaking swing of yesterday.

I wonder where the mists of dawn have gone,
I wonder why time for me has torn,
all memory of fond remembrance aborne
on clouds that soft breezes with me have borne.

How nostalgic when I think of the time,
when actions were not determined by dollar and dime,
when life was more than playing a deceptive mime,
when we were not all covered with reality's pragmatic grime.

To return to the time of unknowing kindness,
when self was not served by practicing wickedness,
to know that love for love's sake was not willful blindness,
to not feel that being loved was a state of perpetual presumptiousness.

Selfish Love

2006-11-24T11:38:00.000+08:00

My Selfish Love
drowns all protest of other
kinds of love-
it takes precedence over
your feeble attempts
to reach out,
because I am not hesitant,
because my beloved knows
my yearning mind-
a mind that seeks only
to bring joy
at other's expense.
All my actions
are Justified,
for what greater power
over passions and intellect,
is there but Love?
So love ME,
just as I LOVE YOU,
and to hell with everything else.

Already feeling lost

2006-11-23T20:48:00.000+08:00

Am I going to start screaming at myself for changing my blogskin at this time?

Probably not, haz.

A new skin, a new beginning. Think i'm going to feel relli lost after art pp2- then everything will be OVER, and all that's left is that dreaded piece of paper that's going to decide our fates. Not very reassuring, I assure you.

O well, a whole load of nothings, and alot of sianness. Great. Life Sux, so wad's new?

2006-11-22T21:58:00.000+08:00

IT'S OVER!!!!!!!

hahas, all except art pp 2 that is.

haiz, feeling a great sense of relief already, although, well, feeling a little lost too, like dunno wad to do... think it's going to get worse also, after pp2 especially:p

still, looking forward to freedom, and the dreadful wait for results. there's like so much to do, and so much time to do it:))) happi, sha la la

kkz, that's all for now, will jia you for the drawings, hahz!!!

Your Bloodless Lips

2006-11-20T16:22:00.000+08:00

Estella, Estella,
beautiful and cold-
the marble rose,
epitome of perfection.

How cruel it is,
to have crimson lips,
that are bloodless
and cold?

How adominable
that scarred creation,
that condescendingly says,
'I have no heart'!

'No- sympathy- sentiment- nonsense'
that comes from the warm
beat of an impassioned
heart.

Poor Estella, Estella,
child born of ruined pride.
Developed to be bent, broken,
into a better shape, and soul.

What is real love? by Ms Havisham:
It is blind devotion, unquestioning self-humiliation, utter submission, trust and belief against yourself and against the whole world, giving up your whole heart and soul to the smiter- as I did!
-words of a proud, embittered old woman

2006-11-20T16:18:00.000+08:00

cant wait, at least, for wed to be over, then all my written papers will be done! hahaz;p

as for art... well, at least i can concentrate on it beta, hahas

tomolo will be the last paper for lit- cant believe how fast everything is gg.

As for the history ppl, congrats at ur liberation.

The time will come, eventually,

for FREEDOM.

haha...

...

wad crap am i writing?

2006-11-19T19:24:00.000+08:00

Going crazy!!!! think the whole of As is CRAZYYYYYY, haiz... but at least i'm here at last, after the horrifying econs extravagenza with onli lit and art left.... which is alot of art, i guess. Art history is going to the dogs, wonder if i'll haf time to finish studying.... haven touched great expectation, that's on tues and i have art consultation tomolo... God, save me!

O well, enuf of the whining i guess, haf to do outline for tomolo's P2 and 3 consultation, ciao....

2006-11-17T09:51:00.000+08:00

Guidelines for Analysing a Poem:

Subject Matter
Purpose
Emotion
Craftsmanship (see SLIMS)
Summary

Craftsmanship:
Structure
Language
Imagery
Movement
Sounds

onomatopoeia: words depicting sounds
assonance: group of words wif same vowels
sonnet: a poem with strict structure and rhyme: normally 14 lines and in iambic pentameter
diction: chioce of words/vocab

Always relate to poet's Intention, Effect, Impact/Effectiveness!
+it would help also to identify and classify Imagery

Hahas, okies, enuf of the last min revisions, heh heh... been looking thru all the past notes on doing pc, hopefully, all will go well later;p i didn't know alot of the terms on the worksheets, so all these are what i've found out just now- turns out that i've been identifying all the structures blindly- no wonder there didn't seen to be any structure for my essays, since I couldn't group the literary devices as I didn't know what they were! hahaz... (sheepish smile) okies, hope for the best later, praying for clearness of mind and concentration!

2006-11-14T22:09:00.000+08:00

Econs sucked!!!!!!

Somebody start digging my grave... if tomolo's paper is as bad, I can kiss uni goodbye... urgh...

the quality of dead, dread and all the other negative d words-- i finally know the meaning of.

Never felt so bad about an exam in my whole life.... really... couldn't even crap a reasonable length...

God, save me...

It Works Bothways

2006-11-09T11:31:00.000+08:00

One of the saddest questions in the world
is when she asks you:
'Do you love me?'
because she does not feel
the warmth and assurance
that love unknowingly emits
to those around them.
And when you feel
a sense of exasperation
at that question that seems to entail
so much unwanted
Responsibility-
stop and ponder
the reason that she says,
"Do You Love Me",
because love binds
bothways-
she is offering her heart to you.

A little bit of Lear- and self reflections

2006-11-07T15:42:00.000+08:00

Everytime i read King Lear again, i'm continually struck by the depth of the play, and the level of intimacy in which it explores the human condition. It is classic, timeless, because the human condition- i dare say, the essence of being human, is encompassed within a range of emotions cumulative of events that, although through time might differ, does not change so drastically as to alter human reactions.

The innate tendency to sin, the assurance of pride and its inevitable disillusionment, the vain attempts to quantify, measure, and put into order what that cannot be logically deduced, are just some of the flaws of the human condition that King Lear portrays, in a way both dramatic and ultimately soul-baring.

Although I was initially drawn by the darkness of the play, (its ending derives so much power in the pathos of despair that I was struck by it, the possibility of such tragedy due to consequence quite fascinated me-ok, morbid, i know) I found in it many redeeming qualities, like in the faithful love of Cordelia, Edgar, Kent and Cornwall's servant. The greatness of love shows itself with greater prominence with contrast to adversity, and even as the play ends in despair, there is the hope that humans can find something worth living for in this 'cold' and unyielding earth.

'Unaccommodated man is no more but such a poor, bare, forked animal as thou art. Off, off, you lendings! Come on, be true.'
The notion of being 'accommodated' is a very impactful one for me- it is true that from young we have been accommodated, by our parents, as well as people who love us. It has always struck me with wonder how people become friends- the Asian mentality, the more cold and aloof reason that I'd always held on to, was that it was only polite to be good to people, to hope to inspire a return of goodwill and a continual companion in that person. It has always filled me with gratitude at the thought of my friends- they don't have to talk with me, listen to me, esp when i'm cracking lame jokes, or just be with me. But the Western ideals seem to hold more attraction to me now- although they are more liberal in the sense that they offend people more easily, not being restrained by the bounds of propriety that Asians are (this is strictly a stereotype, i don't have any Western friends;p), they are nevertheless more true, to themselves as well as to their friends. If they do not seem to value friendships enough to keep from showing displeasure when something offends them, they are being true to their value systems and are sure of where they stand, and who they want to be with.

I guess it's up to me to find a balance. I'd always prided myself on being a tactful person, but that was in the past when I hardly spoke to people and stayed in my world of books. They can hardly shut their pages when i voice a tactless opinion regarding their contents! And so ignorance, and the fact that no one really seemed to dislike me, kept me in the dark of who I really am, which is, ahem, sadly, not a very nice and accepting character at all. In fact, I would classify being over-critical as one of my major faults any day- It's great for work but a little strained on the human relations department.

So, if I seem too overbearing at times, please forgive my ignorance and tell me to shut my mouth if you disagree (well, it'll be a bonus if u'd do it in a nice way of course), and if sometimes I irritate you by asking too many questions, humour my newfound wish to know the people ard me better, and to have deeper and more meaningful relationships than just a pat in the back or a wave when we pass;p kkz, think i'm getting lo so again, good luck to all the maths ppl, jia you for the As!

Note to Kim:P

2006-11-06T20:49:00.000+08:00

hey kim, i cant seem to post my comments on ur blog, so gg to hail ya from here;p
here's the recent update-
Shan n yils wanna go, but it has to be next year, caue ALL of you are gg off one after the other dis dec, and i think it'll be more fun to go wif more ppl... so, i don mind gg next year;p I think i definitely prefer tai wan, hahas, i've never been there yet! it'd be so cool, just the 4 of us, heheh:))) So, yep, that shuld be all, and hope everything's gg fantastic at ur end, cant wait till u get back;p
Jia you x10000 for the exams!

Loves, cuiz

That porcelain vase

2006-11-06T20:37:00.000+08:00

I feel
that i might explode
into a hundred thousand
broken pieces
as my head
strains
to squeeze through
the iron bars that lock
me, without escape
in that burning
room where demons
seem to gnaw everywhere-
my eyes, hands, legs, toes-
especially on the core
of my tired, weeping heart.
The bursts of flame
that might once be brilliant
are now hot with despair-
The heat,
which have once warmed
a frozen mind
numb with ignorance,
has grown to sear and
tear scars.
That smile has turned bitter,
the love neglected to resentment...
Is there nothing left;
the joy of innocence,
so carefully wrought,
and torn cruelly into shreds
like the maddened disillusionment
of an artist who knows,
of perfection never attained?

Denial

2006-11-02T16:28:00.000+08:00

Denial

The acknowledgement of the pain
of all things in life that are in vain,
to accept that grief is part of your life,
that life is just never-ending strife.
It is too difficult to do
what that seems so inevitable to you.
It is better to reject
what is so easy to neglect-
that pain which harbours deep in our soul,
the grief that is eye-piercing to behold.
The soothing balm that relieves
a wounded heart that so desperately believes-
that there is joy worth beating for,
that the darkness will not consume its bleeding core.

2006-11-02T15:53:00.000+08:00

GP is OVER!!!!! hahaahahhass!!!!!

ok, granted that i feel that my compo was way off... like hell, i didn't even know what i was writing can... but i'm just glad that it's over. One paper down, 8 more to go...

sheesh, talk about the long month ahead..

I guess what i can bring away from gp in jc is the interest in world events- they're really interesting to know about and to write about, once you take the initiative to find out. Being put in a position to comment about these issues is fun, even if a little intimidating, there's so much that I don't know!

Hahaz, but it's been fun, it's the next best subject aside from art and lit- i just realised that i love all my subjects except... yep, you guessed it, econs, which is like a bummer... i'm like spending my time hiding from ms poh (and my own feelings of inaptitude) and trying furiously to read up... crossing my stupid fingers and hoping that i can get at least a c... hahas.. but it's not all gg to be luck i guess, i'm gg to try my best to read up and study;p

Yep, so that's about all for today... thought paper 2 compre's summary was a killer, wanna bet i won get past 5 marks? What's it upon, anyway? Even so, glad to have taken it, glad to haf known mr tong, who's been so supportive (I need to pay him soon!!!) of all of our troubles, gp wan sui!

For the rest of the papers, best of luck, and don't let stress get you down!!!!

2006-11-01T09:25:00.000+08:00

anyone starting to panic? If you are, u're not alone... gp tomorrow, lets JIA YOU together, mina- san!!!!!

2006-10-30T21:09:00.000+08:00

The soft, slow creak
of that dearly beloved swing,
lingers like an ever-present kiss
in my mind-
that wispy mist
that enshrouds the memory
in translucent haze
reminds me of
those childhood moments-
like the furtive peeks from behind
living room curtains.

It is soon lost
behind that blanket
of never-ending responsibilities
that seem to weigh
a thousand tonnes-
a sand dune that traps
the unwitting creature
that makes it its home.

Its laboured breath,
like the coughing wheezing
from a cranky old bellows
seem to fade with every passing
minute- it is a burden
that Nature bestows,
that Man in his weakness inevitably bows,
to sadness and grief,
to dark depths unknown.

Only when the rain that falls
from the heavens above-
like the blessed dew
that would raise life anew,
reach out to starving, thirsting hearts,
will our souls cry,
in anguish, pain, and relief,
in glory of the source
of all happiness and grief.

Yet who are we to curse
at the Fates that determine
our injuries and hurts
when Man in his weakness
have not the power to prevent
the chaos at which we are determined against to rant-
for in Nature there seems
no accomodation for logic-
no room for human justice
nor intellectual debate.

There is only what
that happens,
and what that does not
that determines our course and plight-
only what in our power
to cause and prevent
that is the ultimate concern in the end.

weird piece today... wonder wad's the transition of the subject from micro to macro.... argh, econs and gp are killing mi!!!!!

2006-10-25T22:20:00.000+08:00

I think I'm going insane...

Nothing getting in....
my stupid head...

I can see stuff leaking out though...

fluff and stuff...

2006-10-25T20:51:00.000+08:00

My life is but a dream, transcient and unreal.

The lives of others seem more rooted in reality than mine does- I am like an onlooker, aware yet ineffectual in affecting what is around me. The so-called passion that flames in the brief life of a human does not seem to burn in me- many times I have asked myself, what is it that has rendered me so cold, so unfeeling.

The longing for a different life- it has always been there, yet it does not seem to move me into concrete action. A passive onlooker- a comfortable one, I suppose, that should be the source of my inaction. I suppose it is laughable, this passive me, such that even I laugh at my compliant nature; that nature which accepts that which is presented before me, the absence of the sense of urgency and injustice that throws many into fierce struggles for survival.

There seems to be a call for blame- but to whom can I complain of my disdain of this passive me? Not my upbringing, that seems too convienient an excuse. Perhaps the matter that makes up this useless me- but that is too painful. Inherent nature or social conditioning, that age-old conflict again. Perhaps a little of both, perhaps none, just my current inclinations, or disinclination to act, that should be blamed. But even the act of blaming seems so insignificant, when all that is in existence, of me, seems an unchangeable truth.

I am searching, searching for something- that lingering dissatisfaction in my life that alerts me and discomfits me. Then maybe this is a sign that I am not truly comfortable, for I am made aware that there is a lack- whatever that is.

Weird contemplations at this time... will get back to this train of thought in the future....

2006-10-24T10:55:00.000+08:00

HKHKHKHKHKHHKHKHKHKHKHKHK!!!!!!!!

hope i'll live to see it...hahs

Joy

2006-10-24T00:00:00.000+08:00

Joy is so fleeting
an emotion,
yet so wonderous to behold-
a spark in damp shadowy corners,
a candle of hope in cold frosty dungeons.

How lovely that sun-born
blossom, that buds in the spring,
that soft caressing nurture
of the gently blowing wind.

It is the tinkling of that splashing stream,
that burst of feathers as the hummingbird leaps-
that Joy in Nature,
is something so precious and free.

2006-10-21T10:28:00.000+08:00

I feel like
hiding somewhere
for a thousand years,
ignore everything for
at least that period of time-

arising from the moulds of dust
and decay
when my rest is
over- raising my skeletal hand
to claw my way
above...

only to find
that I am dead-
and know that
I was never even alive...

2006-10-19T23:06:00.000+08:00

How do you feel
when there is nothing left to feel-
no more tears to cry
no more breath to breathe?

How do you face the sky,
when there are no more wings to fly,
no more legs to crawl,
no more strength to even move?

I try,
try to see a better place,
that shore beyond a limitless ocean
of grief and despair.

I cry,
choking on my sobs,
stifling the whimpers-
ignoring the tremours that wreck my weary body.

There is nothing-
nothing left to feel,
no trace of joy in my smile,
nor hint of pain in my grimace.

Nothing-- anti-existence. It is beautiful beyond words. It is nothing...

2006-10-15T14:25:00.000+08:00

Songbird

Freedom
is like a golden songbird
that lifts its sweet throat
to the pale blue sky,
singing the sweet lament
of having clipped wings that do not fly.

Open that gilded cage,
watch as the first hesitant wingbeats,
turn into strong, steady
strokes, bearing
it's softly feathered form
like a miniature sun in the sky!

Like a rainbow,
it's glorious song spreads
like a wave of unstoppable tide,
to cover the sweet lush
surface of the earth.

Yet as the minutes pass,
the sun dims in glory,
its wearied form no longer
pierces through the air-
it is swimming against swelling tide-

Falling, eventually,
into the blue-green sea-
creeping arms that seek to embrace,
enclosing that small ball of glory,
bringing death into its watery grave.

2006-10-14T20:40:00.000+08:00

Turmoil
The TURMOIL in my heart,
is but a dark, dark mass
or horrid snakes that threaten
to smother me in their
hissing venom-
I can hear the acid that
burns a deep hole
in the metal walls
of my cold and frozen
heart-
I am afraid, that it will touch
me, eating away at the
clotted arteries that
refuse to let the life-giving
wine coloured blood
flow-
I hear the onslaught of the rain
that hits the metal roof-
how it drums into my head
like the futile pounding
of bloodied palms on the
crimson walls, rivulets of
that red streams that seem like
abundant tears that fall from
a sky so corrupt
with pollution-
it threatens to consume with every
waking minute,
that crawls in eternity.

After writing this poem and looking at it, i guess my thoughts are quite random today. Haiz, feeling stressed. I don't know what's going on in my stupid head- it's quite irritating when so many things are gg on in it. Guess the As are getting more to me than I thought they would... My heart is numb, yet my mind is in turmoil... wonder why they say that the heart is the seat of all emotion, when the fluff in my head is making me feel unsettled. Gosh, cant even cheer myself up with the usual, just jia you! It's making me wonder what's there in life worth living for, but don think that's a safe path to thread, too depressing. No wonder they say we dont think nowadays, when i'm trying so hard not to think.:( Haiz, don't think i'm making sense, think i'll just go off and rot... Stupid blogskins! Attempted to find one to change today cause can't get the tagboard for this one functioning, but cant find a nice one...

2006-10-05T16:39:00.000+08:00

Power-Play

How many of our actions
are the products of our innate
compassion, love and care
for others,
rather than the results of
the never-ceasing power-play
that we engage with one another?

I want
to leave a good impression,
to feel superior,
to make you feel indebted,
to feel accountable to my perfect image of myself...

It is hard... to delve past all the conflicting emotions,
to pierce through all the clouded feelings,
into the true motives of my actions.

It is difficult,
painful,
to accept this selfish, self-serving Me,
because I try, so hard,
to convince myself of a better Me.

To hide my true intents,
to deny the way that I react,
is but a meaningless rejection of myself.

It is true, that to persist in selfishness,
is but a sinking into deeper mud,
the dirty soil of human sin that threatens
to drive away acceptance of normal people-
the normality of presenting a smiling facade
of hidden daggers and elusive intents,
striving to preserve outward congeniality,
yet ever so frustrated by a lack of mutual understanding-

I wonder why no one understands me,
yet it is I who try so desperately to hide from others;
so I don't blame the world, unless I learn start accepting myself
for who I truly am,
an imperfect soul with holes of sin,
seeking to veil myself,
with robes stained with innocent blood-
from the wounds I inflict in order
to rise in power-play.

A collection of good-will-
there is nothing wrong, nothing sinful-
who does not covet,
an easy life of continous favours and showers
of beaming smiles that threaten to blind with their
glaring intensity?
But beware of the price of earning-
yes, earning,
those smirks of smug benevolence;
ever, to be fully truthful to yourself
of what you do or say,
and if the betterment of yourself,
comes at the expense of another's wounded dignity.

2006-10-01T21:13:00.000+08:00

Revelation
That spark of startling wonder
that bursts
silently in my heart,
like the petals of a budding
fire rose-
It is an explosion
that renders me
half-blind-
A sense of bewilderment,
Confusion abounds,
Yet in my heart of hearts
it acknowledges the loss,
accepts the pain,
and welcomes the revelation-
For a moment,
the doors of light
are flung open
for me-
a frail silhouette framed
by an enormous rectangle of glory,
and I feel closer
to the rest of the world
than now I do,
watching it slowly perish, along with you.

2006-09-28T20:39:00.000+08:00

Run
Flip-flop, flip-flop...
my footsteps
slap against the cold
hard ground.

Slip-splash, splash-skid...
my slippers
slither through puddles-
I almost fall.

I have been running,
flip-flop-splash-skid-
running God knows where,
searching-
for that elusive
shadow that I want to be.

Don't look,
flip-flop, skid-dash,
don't stop,
never stop.
Don't look,
never see.

What I will find,
I might not like.
What I will see,
will cause me to howl,
scream, rage, shout, wail-
and make me want to run away.

That shadow
does not want light-
that silhouette,
needs no exposure-
for it is afraid-
too afraid,
of being ugly,
a monster that lurks,
unbidden,
never wanted.

Yet I run, scamper,
always adapting,
like a dreaded chameleon,
trying to be that cool graphite stone,
that flexible branch,
that invisible reflection-
of what is admired,
yet can never be.

2006-09-26T06:22:00.000+08:00

can't believe it- slept at 2 am today, woke up at 3... hey, that's one hr later... wonder why i'm not tired? n wonder why my upset stomach still refuses to quiet itself... dots...

i believe i haven written much of my personal reflections before this, so will take this time to complain, and celebrate! after today, coursework will be officially over!!!! provided i get thru today... just want to take this opp to say a huge SORRY and THANK YOU to all the people who have witheld comment at my crazy and totally irresponsible behaviour this past.... i dunno, 6 weeks? n no, i did not just win an emmy, hahaz;p

n most of all, I HAVEN'T played since prelim ended, n i'm DYING to go out!!!! As soon as my pernicious flu heals anyway...

So it's 6 plus now, hope i won fall asleep in class later...

2006-09-26T00:20:00.000+08:00

What is guilt,
but an indulgence
in self-pity,
an affirmation
of your own
superiority
over others?

Why do we find it
easier
to forgive
another but
ourselves,
unable to accept
flaw
in our minds?

It is perfection
that drives
our dissatisfied
minds-
the contented
simply
accept
who they are-
is it better to be the wise,
or the fool?

2006-09-18T20:38:00.000+08:00

My head
is like
a huge rubber
balloon
that hangs,
limp-
it is
leaking,
wheezing,
then-
BANG!
How I wish
it would
explode
spewing bits
of red
fluff,
leaving
a balloon-shaped
hole
in the air,
an extinct
space
where
a head once was
there now is
emptiness.
The scarecrow falls
into the girl-shaped
grave-
without a head.

18 Sept. 2006

Ever felt like the end of the world is here, and just wanting to sit back and ignore everything, even the rubble that falls from the stupid, white-washed ceiling? Yep, that just about sums up how i'm feeling, just plain bored, and dissatisfied with my stupid life, and my stupid exams and my stupid everything. haiz. Just think it's my stupid headache ba, and the fact that lit is tomolo and art hist, and i haven studied for both. Yea, should pop the champagne, i've just slept the day away........... dots!@@!!!!!@!@!!!!

2006-09-15T08:51:00.000+08:00

I am cold
I do not feel
Your warmth beside me.
The sharp, jagged
edges
of ice
all around
freeze
my cold
black
heart.
It moves
and stills,
threatening
to stop
at any minute.
If it
dies
and I am
gone-
will you still remember
the cold,
cold
ME,
the girl
with
the black heart?

2006-09-14T21:36:00.000+08:00

Anyway, now she thinks of Estha and Rahel as Them, because separately, the two of them are no longer what They were or ever thought They'd be.

Ever.

Their lives have a size and a shape now. Estha has his and Rahel hers.

Edges, Borders, Boundaries, Brinks and Limits have appeared like a team of trolls on their separate horizons. Short creatures with long shadows, patrolling the Blurry End. Gentle half-moons have gathered under their eyes and they are as old as *Ammu was when she died. Thirty-one.

Not old.

Not young.

But a viable die-able age.

-The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy

*Ammu- mother

I really think that Roy's imagery is so rich- I wonder what inspires Indian and Japanese imagery- they're always so colourful, so different, so exotic. Estha and Rahel are twins btw. I've always wondered what bonded twins together. What does it feel like to have someone so close to you at birth, where a special bond exists beyond that of a normal sibling's?

Then again, i might just be romanticizing the notion, and the other 'part of you' might just be as annoying and irritating as a spoilt brat, hahaz. No offense to all twins out there! Haven't met a pair of identical twins yet though, wonder how it'll be like...

2006-09-12T10:43:00.000+08:00

The day she died,
she died alone,
Out alone,
in cold winter snow.

The day she fell,
she fell and broke,
She fell and broke
where no one could tell.

The day she drowned
in crystal clear waters,
She bloodied those waters,
with mermaids around.

The day she lost
her soul to the river,
with her lover she drowned,
in waterlogged armour.

The day she left,
the tears unheeded,
Away from land so lovingly seeded,
with pain and death, and grief bereft.

2006-09-11T21:43:00.000+08:00

How do I quiet
a restless spirit-
a silent voice
that writhes
like a dark, oily
serpent
in the deepest recesses
of my tired,
weary
heart?
I feel the weight
of an avalanche-
the waves that crash
in the ocean that traps me
beneath.
Wailing,
screaming,
fighting,
crying-
only to struggle
against invisible,
intangible walls
that bind me-
A Me shaped hole in
the earth
where I am supposed to be
there now is
Nothing
but black,
black space-
And Fear.

Distance

2006-09-11T09:41:00.000+08:00

Distance
You sit quietly beside me
yet i feel a gaping, bleeding canyon between
Us.
I long to jump down
I long to reach the other shore
where you are lying
alone and in pain.
When you turn those sightless eyes
towards some point behind me-
When you clench your fists
to still the tremours in your soul
My heart cries-
It is ripped out, exposed to the frigid winter,
stabbed with a hundred icicles of words you do not say.
Cannot say.
Will not say.
Cannot trust.
Will not trust.
I am afraid.
Will I say something-
Wrong,
to make you hate me?
I am cowardly,
so I try to say the things you want to hear,
wondering if,
you'll hate me just the same.
All I can do, is wait for some move.
Of that corpse lying on the other shore
to raise the head that i so adore.
I will plunge willingly into bloody waters
to carry that umbrella that lovingly shelters
your ravaged soul-
and pray that you will know
that I am there
that you are not alone.

Help Me to Listen

2006-09-09T22:45:00.000+08:00

Help Me to Listen
I cried when nobody understood me
but it was I who did not understand
the pain that I was causing
the pain I could not bear.

I tried to find a reason
I tried to shift the blame-
it was I who did not listen
it was I who did not care.

There it is again-
how fond I am of using 'I',
I never think of others,
thinking it was they who sought to hurt.

I ask why I think so negatively,
why I dwell so much on my own pain,
when there are others who are ailing,
from my unwillingness to lend a hand.

I reach out my hand,
only to snatch back from the heat
the heat that comes from heaven's light,
the glare that exposes me.

The fear only gets greater,
the more unwilling I am to give,
because i cannot put aside my selfish pride,
of looking worse than Me.

I wish I can forgo Me,
there is only one truth worth holding to.
I don't want to lie to myself
I want to make Him proud of me.

09 sept 2006

You Held Me Close

2006-09-02T08:39:00.000+08:00

No words can ever be enough
to describe the welling up of tears,
the tightness in my heart,
the aching of my soul,
and the trembling under my heavy burden.

The gratefulness that I feel
is a petal in a gale
a droplet that falls into an ocean
a grain of sand on the beach,
in the face of Your mighty love!

It is dismissed,
because I am healed
bandages unwound from my aching eyes,
so that tears can fall freely down my face.
The light that I see,
is painful yet clear-
it is better to be wise than the fool.

I thank You for staying on the path,
even as i jumped down the ravine.
I thank You for never being away,
always calling from above,
just in sight of my unseeing eyes.

I thank You for You have held me close,
never letting me go,
even as i tried to push away Your hands that try only to protect me.

2 Sept 2006

Blind

2006-08-31T23:03:00.000+08:00

My eyes were bound
when I thought I could see-

I thought I could see everything
that even God was within reach-

But I saw only the pureness of snow-white gauze
peeking through the thousand little holes-

It was my eyes that were blind,
and only I did not know.

31 August 2006

I needed you more
than i ever did realise..
in my arrogance and my pride
in my selfishness and pain.
You were the one that stood beside me,
holding on to my hand.
You taught me the true meaning of Faith;
how to search and see the truth.
I could not see,
yet you stayed to be my guiding light.
I could not walk,
yet you stayed to be my guiding hand.
I thank God for your steadfast patience,
I thank you for your loving kindness
to search and hold me when I was lost,
to act as spring's warmth to melt a winter's bitter frost.

-wl, if you see this, i just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart, for you have made me see the LIGHT, literally;)

2006-08-14T21:22:00.000+08:00

I need your shoulder
to cry on, to hold
when i feel that the wind is colder,
and darkness enfold.

I need your presence
to sit by, to sense
my bitterness in its essence,
my sadness too dense.

I cry at my weakness,
I rage at my helplessness.

It is too hard,
too hard,
to be alone.

An Itch

2006-08-10T15:16:00.000+08:00

Why don't we treasure
all that we have?
Why do we yearn
for more than we need?
Three meals and a bed
that's all that we should ever seek.

But that insidious little voice
that rings inside our heads
tells of wonders beyond end
that in our restless state
drives us to contemplate
and let dissatisfaction rule our empty heads.

Is it human nature
to seek release
from the normality of contentment
and plunge off into the abyss of writhing desire?
Or are we trying to satisfy that irritating itch
of wanting that we can't naturally have?

Follow your heart

2006-08-08T16:09:00.000+08:00

The start of national day hols, and the 76 hr carving session... ok, it's gg to be much less than that cause of my procrastinating nature and need of sleep. Just want to wish myself luck here, as well as all the j2s good luck with coursework!

Anyway, i used 20 bux of the prize i won for lit yest on The Alchemist. Yup, u can prob guess i've been spending my numerous breaks reading it, and i know why it's paulo coelho's most famous book, as well as his debut, it's fantastic! Just want to share the most inspirational part that i've read till...

"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity."

Paulo Coelho writes about the heart as if it were a sentient creature in one's body, and I find that concept beautiful, even if scientifically dubious. However, how else can you account for how your heart jumps when you get frightened, and how heavy it is under the weight of distress, if it does not feel? Perhaps it is our lost link with God; our reliance on our brain has led us to forget the most basic nature of being human, that need to follow our dreams, as Coelho suggests. I think that's what endears me to The Alchemist, because it has served to remind me that the fears that i feel over my future are groundless, that even a simple shepherd can live a rich, fulfilling life in pursuit of his dreams. 'When a person goes in serach of his dreams, the whole universe conspires to help him achieve his goal', now how's that for an encouraging message?

You lift my Soul

2006-07-30T21:36:00.000+08:00

I plunge from the edge of steep canyons,
only to be borne gently through the air.
I dive headlong into salty oceans,
only to feel soothing currents sweeping me on.

There is nothing that i don't dare,
nothing that i am afraid of,
because You are with me-
there is no place You have not been, nothing You do not know.

I feel You in my mind,
You are the atoms of my body,
the coursing of my blood,
the essence of my soul.

You are in my every movement,
my every thought- there is nothing You cannot foresee.
How I long to feel the exhilaration of flight,
with snow white wings like a dove's!

How I long to see pearly clouds that swirl me by,
to hear the sweet strum of heavenly harps,
to taste the honey of endless meadows,
and feel the comfort of a Father's loving arms.

30th july 2006

ok, ok, i know i haven updated in like decades. Ha, so i'm lazy, wad else's new?

Anyways, just to update, i've sort of confirmed my composition- a thousand thanks to yy;p, and hopefully, i'll be able to start cutting the lino soon. And, i've decided to be happy, and stay that way despite anything that happens- i've yet to not weather anything out, so why give myself so much stress? hahaz. Hey wait, maybe i need it, he sense of urgency is... well, not there. Hopefully, i'll feel as focused as today everyday, so jia you!

My Secret Dream

2006-07-20T05:37:00.000+08:00

When I was young,
when naivete was pardoned,
I told my obliging mother,
that I wanted to keep a star.

I said," Look, Mummy,
they're so shiny and pretty!"
And my mother said with a smile,
'Yes, just like diamonds.'

When I was a little older,
and a little more realistic,
I confided to my best friend,
that I wanted to live in the clouds.

I said," Look,
the clouds are so dreamy and soft!"
And my best friend agreed enthusiastically,
'Yes, it's just like being on a plane.'

When I got yet older now,
and saw too much of the world,
I never did make more unachievable goals,
nor did I forget them.

I said to myself," Look,
the diamond on my ring shines more constant than the star,
and sitting on a plane is drier than living in the clouds,
with the same view to boot!"

I laughed at my childhood aspirations,
with a tinge of bitterness that I never noticed,
until I realised that compromise was never as
Satisfying, as the real thing.

But I suppose there was never more purpose in dreaming,
because the dream was impossible, or close to.
So now I look out the large glass window every night,
gazing at the stars I can never reach.

I peer at blue skies in the day,
accessing the clouds like a property agent.
There was never much joy in having dreams fulfilled,
for there would be new desires, and more corrupt wishes.

It is the Hope that I enjoyed,
and the mystery of having a secret dream.
And now that I have already fulfilled that,
I should have no reason to desire more.

20 July 2006

Glimpses of You

2006-07-16T06:55:00.000+08:00

The thin wispery mist
veils your face like gauze;
It obscures my view,
who are you?

The cold wind
turns your face pale and blue;
I smell the tang of sea-blown hair,
do you know the lady of the Sea?

You melt away from my sight,
receding into cool waters;
I try to follow,
but fear keeps me back.

You beckon with your white scarf
which floats through the air like a ragged flag;
do you wish for me to see all of you,
when you try so hard to hide in moist and mist?

Or do you wish to be remembered,
haunting my mind with fleeting glimpses,
leading me closer with your soft song,
dissipating into cloud as they die slowly away?

16 July 2006

I do believe that my blog is really rotting away, the number of times i'm posting. It's partly to show yong hong that a person can CHOOSE not to touch the computer at all if she wants, and partly, well, it's been a hectic week. Next week is going to be worse, so i'll be thankful for the time i have left to relax(not much though, haf to gan prep).

Btw, yesterday was the most fun ever, it's our first shopping trip man, and how did u guys like the opera gallery? Must extend my deepest apologies to wei lian here for such a rushed dinner, i'll make it up to you somehow! And to my greatest bro, Pirates was fantastic! On a side note, thanx for footing the bill- sat not cheap;p

Yeps, thnk i'll go work more on my prep, going to church later for the first time in 3 weeks, argh, feel so sinful.... but will jia you de!

Hope for Your Presence

2006-07-06T21:58:00.000+08:00

There was a girl
who sat, day and night,
at her tall glass window,
gazing at the grey, cobbled streets below.

There was a woman
who stood, through all weathers,
at her lofty balcony,
staring at the rugged path that disappeared round the corner.

There was an old lady
who leant, whenever she could,
against her long ebony cane,
willing the sound of footsteps to her lonely door.

There was only waiting,
a longing for someone to arrive
to whisk them from their stagnant state
into Life in the sun.

There was a cold affirmation
of their desire being one day assuaged,
that drew them to look, a search
that would lead them to blessed warmth, and more.

6 July 2006

I think the worst state of life is that of hope being crushed, that utter knowledge that your desire is not and will never be possible. Hope... what does it entail? A wish... a dream... something that is dear to you? There is so much that we don't know, that can go wrong. So many different possibilities and outcomes, so little of which we can control. So does it make it right for us to pursue what we want? Just because our inclinations draw us on that path? What is right, and what wrong? Or is life just full of wants, desires and dislikes, and justice is just a nice name for what the majority wishes?

alot of nothing, and alot of thanks;p

2006-07-06T21:29:00.000+08:00

The exams are just over, Yipee! hahaz.. I smell mould on my blog, how weird is that....

Feeling beta after the headache, popped panadol and guess wad, it works, hahaz, so i'm as good as new, or almost. Wonder why I go through every paper 2 feeling sick, must be stress.

So here i am, crapping about myself and feeling at peace... as if.

Ya, i feel relieved, but still cant shake the sneaky feeling that i could be doing something constructive.

Like read a book, write a bit of a story, surf net, blog...

I tried the first, rejected the second(dunno where to start, and afraid i'll get caught in writing more than ten pages of rubbish), disliked the third (checked my mail though) and am doing the latter.

so that leaves schoolwork(like coursework- urgh) or comics(so bored of rereading)...

Mind, just let me enjoy the peace of no work, no stress and absolute stoning... great, that sounds negative.

now, for people who are reading this and wondering who kidnapped cui and is writing nonsense on her blog, it's just mi, toking to myself. Think people who know me shouldn't be surprised. I've got my crazy days, you know.

You know! hahaz... I think i'm officially crazy, will attempt to write something worthy of your precious time, sacrificed to read this humble blog... hey, that sounds weird...

ok, here goes:

I think i've been obsessed with flaws, like wondering why people criticize, why people feel negative things, and that we can never truly say how we feel. I mean all this is true, but it just shows how myopic and depressed I am. There shouldn't be a need to think about all these flaws, I mean, I can't change them, and no one dwells on negative feelings all the time, and i certainly don't. When i'm with people, I want them to feel happy being with me, and that gives me the greatest feeling ever.

I really want to thank everyone i noe for withstanding my nonsense(and no, I did not just win an award, thanx;p) and making me feel appreciated. I think it's a miracle to have friends, people who are willing to listen and talk to me, even though they are in no way obligated to do so. To all the people who listen to me rant (on and off this blog), THANK YOU!!!! I really love you all, because you make me feel that my existence means something. No, it's not in a negative way;p Although i might dwell to much in depression and make people who read my stuff sad (I hope not too much though) but I really want to thank u, all of you, for taking the time. Arigatou!!!!

Must there be a Reason?

2006-06-30T08:43:00.000+08:00

There are philosophers contemplating the cosmos,
the devout who follow into faith.
There are scientists who analyze evolution,
there are idle people like me who're too busy searching for a purpose.

But I suppose that in one thing we are alike,
that is that ignorance of the meaning of Life.

Some people think they've got it,
most people don't.

Perhaps when we've realised that there doesn't need to be a purpose,
it is already too late to begin living.

My life is weird, or perhaps, normal for the average modern person.

I start out in life unthinking,
my actions dictated by the expectations of others.
Parents, teachers, friends, relatives... yes, and even God.
I begin, after some time, like all teenagers, to search for self-identity.

What am I guided by?
The morals that I have been brought up on?
Or the rejection of all the rules forced upon me?

I grow sick and tired,
because I cannot find the reason that I am alive,
that mindless plodding of mind and muscle.

But what if there does not need a reason,
to prove my existence?

Is it a crime to simply exist?
Must there be a noble reason to justify my right to breathe air and take up space?

Or am I searching for some lofty ideal to satisfy that I am worth living,
that I am needed, mourned for when I pass away?

Do I have a right to enjoy the joy of living,
when selfish and reluctant I am to assert my value?

Why I Live

2006-06-22T08:53:00.000+08:00

I remember a phrase that kim mentioned about this blog, that i only post poems here. I also remember what shi wei said about what a person can say on a blog and what she will not feel comfortable with sharing. So why bother writing, huh? I also read something that faith said about being totally honest in her blog, and how it does not mean that we know her just because we read it.

I confess that I do make that assumption that I know her, at least a little, from what I read, because I feel that whatever a person writes is really a window to his/her soul. Be it from the satirical wit or brainless chatter, there's something you gather about the person from the style of writing and all. There are times when I sit with a pen or in front of the com and i try to squeeze something out- the words I write are mostly a reflection of my emotions though, which is why you realise that I post poems all the time. Poetry is an outlet which I try to synthesize all my emotions into imagery that I find most apt at that time. Which means it's not a thinking exercise, it's a reacting exercise. I don't think much, just react.

I guess that's why my poems lament the fact that 'I don't think when I live'- I think I know deep down that i'm living a meaningless existence of studying day by day. Writing requires brain I guess, not just an emotive source- although it makes it more impactful to write when u feel for what you are writing. I remember when I was young when there never seemed to be enough time- I hated to sleep because that would take time away from something constructive that I could do. Now I leap at the chance to shut down, and textbooks and notes don't make up for much brainwork, just mindless memorization. How I long for the time when I did'nt seem to sleep- my brain undergoes an 8 hr thinking exercise in which my subconscious runs through the things that I'm thinking about before i sleep. Now I'm so wiped out that I blank out every night.

I don't think anymore.

I guess I'm just not into living anymore, because there is no meaning. I'm more interested in Death and what it holds, because it would be a change. But I think it's because I've stopped stimulating my brain- I hardly read anymore, I find- there's just not enough time. But that's an excuse. There's always time, time when i lament the fact that i'm tired, or that life's meaningless. I need constant reminder that there's some things worth living for, and books did that for me. I guess I should read more now, even if i don't haf time. Reading is the only thing that lifts my spirits, I find- well, except reading skool stuff, haz.

Anyway, just a last thought: I've always wondered why satire is so popular, the genre I mean. I like reading it, but it's a critical commentary; do people like criticizing each other that much? Ya, I mean to write a good, logical and interesting satire there has to be a certain level of wit and humour- the ability to laugh at others, but isn't that just an exercise to put down others? It shows how clever you are, how good ur language and how astute you are, but it's not very nice to laugh at others. Is it because we need people to remind us of our human weaknesses that we have such critical commentaries? Yes, we do gain from the ideas, i suppose, and we learn from other's mistakes, to be more perceptive. But I can't help but wonder if there is an undercurrent of smug superiority, that "I know more than you and I'm smarter than you so take the criticisms quietly" mentality. If that's so, then I don't wonder why we can't live as peacefully as before, when all of us are jumping to criticize the faults of others.

haiz, dreary thought, ain't it?

Ps, sometimes I look at the stuff I write and realise how naive I am- why should people care about hurting others through their remarks? It's a mark of achievement to spot the errors of others- they're just trying to help others improve right? I guess my sense of right and wrong is just too naive. I tend to see things in black and white, even when there's so many shades of grey. And they call mi an art student, hahs...

Running- but Where to?

2006-06-22T07:06:00.000+08:00

My legs are weary
screaming-
when can I stop
drawing long and
ragged
breaths
from my diseased
heart?

The path continues
beyond sight;
and the pace is
relentless-
Footfalls pound
on hard pavement
and the cold air
pressing too close.

The cold air
is not dispelled
by my faint
body heat
because the body
of air
is so much
greater.

There seems no end to
the Path,
I can only get off
the smooth even ground-
what I might step on
next I don't know,
praying that it is not
darkness that I slip into.

One and Alone

2006-06-21T09:57:00.000+08:00

What is Life
that yearns for joy
that seeks for
self-gratification
that strives for
utmost enjoyment?

What is Life
that torments a soul
that dangles
fragile hopes
that keeps from
utter despair?

What is Time
that seeps soundlessly away
that ends
all dreams
that grieves
in eternal parting?

What is Time
that offers the illusion
of Life
never-ending
leaving deceit
and bitter regret?

What is Death
that severes the
tenuous bonds
of lonely individuals
casting us to a long, winding
path, forever alone?

What is Death
that offers
eternal serenity
of peace with One alone
as we were made, separate,
One and alone.

21 June 2006

You who is Ignored

2006-06-20T10:39:00.000+08:00

You are the crimson rivulets
that flow, ceaseless into great rivers.

You are the rocks in an avalanche,
that crush, helpless into dirt.

You are the colour of dancing auroras,
that awe, with silence and beauty.

You are the Eyed Hawkmoth,
that stares, unnoticed in shadow.

For you who is most Precious,
Yet most Ignored,
Is most silent-
beautiful yet helpless.

For you that looks in vain,
for the old crone we find
when it is too late,
and all turns inevitably to dead.

2006-06-16T17:42:00.000+08:00

I wish I can throw myself into
the freezer
and hibernate for a thousand years-
I hate the sense of utter
uselessness
that I am feeling now;
How I wish I could
bury myself 6 feet beneath
Hell
and stay there for at least
a century
before someone digs my
rotten body from the ground-
my frustration that shrieks
from the holes in my
head
can be heard all the way
in Atlantica-
seeping from gaping wounds
and infested innards.

16 June 2006

AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!! I cant study, I HATE MYSELF.... urgh...

Foam Bath

2006-06-14T20:21:00.001+08:00

The splash of water fades
as I sink slowly into
snow-white froth,
crowning my hair with sparkling
butterflies.

I flick bubbles into the air
watching as they float
so lazily, reflecting distorted,
Bloated images of myself,
against convex surfaces.

I witness the deaths
of lifeless circumferences,
bursting
just as they touch
reality.

I wonder if I
am like a bubble
floating through the air
aimlessly, without
direction.

Will I shatter
into countless pieces
until there is no longer any
trace of myself
on the slippery floor?

14 June 2006

Girlfriend

Do you love
me more
than your girlfriend?

Do you love
the way she dresses
in chic skirts and necklaces?

Do you love
the way she pouts
like all girls in love?

Do you hate
the way I choose
jeans and plain turtlenecks?

Do you hate
the way I prefer
practicality over fantasy?

Do you hate
the way I think
and refuse to humour you?

Do you love
me for myself,
or me the girlfriend?

14 June 2006

Who Am I?

2006-06-13T17:55:00.000+08:00

I try
not to live a lie
but it is so difficult
to find myself
where there are so many mirrors
all reflecting distorted truths.

I try
not to stray
too far away from day
to keep to the well-worn
Path, where I will not
seem out of the way.

I try
to seek for a purpose
when I cannot find a meaning
to simple existence,
Hating my own ungrateful disatisfactions
lost in my own human imperfections.

13 June 2006

Phoenix

2006-06-12T21:29:00.000+08:00

Death holds no eternal state for me
as I lie in soft smouldering ashes,
streaked with dark coal,
crooning a soft song of love.

Fire that burns
does not hurt me-
It sears the pattern of Life
on my immortal soul.

I am rendered alive,
no matter how I die-
for the fire will keep me,
for I am its slave.

My feathers glow against cold clouds
as I fly through unending night-
there is no pain greater
that of Life relentless, refusing rest.

I cannot close my flaming red eyes
for the fire that burns
burns within- I cannot cry,
for my tears are dry.

I yearn to end this persistent existence
of flapping tired brilliant wings,
yet even as I cry my dying song
I emerge whole, from beneath ashes stained with gold.

12 June 2006

Grief

2006-06-10T10:24:00.000+08:00

As I sit by my seaside window,
listening to the stricken cries of gulls above,
I hear not the sobbing of my own heart
for it is broken;

The strings that tie
my mind to my heart
have been severed
by a cold white hand-

It is Grief's heartless action
that renders my mind unfeeling.
I barely feel the wetness that falls
from my tired, aching eyes-

I cannot turn it off,
to give them some relief-
I cannot stop the painful beating in my breast,
I cannot give myself release.

10 June 2006

Haiz, i'm so depressing that i'm sick of myself... is that even possible?

I have Forgotten

2006-06-08T21:05:00.000+08:00

I have forgotten that childhood
hope
of baking you a thousand peach tarts
every cloudy day.

I have forgotten that childhood
promise
of bottling you a thousand kisses
every sunny day.

I have forgotten that childhood
dream
of writing you a thousand letters
everyday that rains.

I have forgotten that childhood
confidence
of loving you more than a thousand years
every single day.

08 June 06

My Whole Self

2006-06-08T20:37:00.000+08:00

I hear the cracking of
that glass petal
that breaks past all
repair.

I see those pale
faces reflected in
that dark glassy lake,
solemnly watching.

I feel the soft, unyielding bind
of satin cloth that cuts
deeply into my wrists,
staining red on red.

I taste that bitterness
of a fruit gone rotten
yet forced to swallow in helpless
regret.

I smell the stench
of a dying hope,
yearning to revive agony,
forgoing cursed release in oblivion.

08 june 2006

Tears

2006-06-06T22:08:00.000+08:00

The little tear of pain
that slid down the cold window
melted into the puddle of unfeeling rain-
its death unwitnessed, unmourned.

The little tear of regret
that sank into clouded depths of pollution-
the final poison to kill
that crying, withered rose.

The little tear of despair
that splashed on the worn wooden floorboards
laid unnoticed in the quiet gloom of abandonment-
alone till morning dew with it consumed.

All those little tears that cried
with essence of grief of hearts that died,
lie cold in sobbing hands without relief,
heedless in constant love and belief.

Forget

2006-06-05T16:26:00.000+08:00

I see that petal drifting by,
I see that sail on the horizon lie.
I see the sky above so grey,
I see the flowers by your tomb so gay.

I wish the stars were not so bright,
I wish the rain were not so light.
I wish that briar would sink its thorn of grief,
I wish that its pain to me it'll give.

I long to once more believe,
I long for joyful magic found again in life.
I long to forever forget that grave,
I long to be finally free from your lingering gaze.

05 June 2006

Haiz, can relli tell that i'm not up to composing... feel like shit, haiz...

It is your Scent

2006-06-04T23:06:00.000+08:00

I have never tried
this perfume before,
its scent that lingers lightly
on my clothes
and even in my long dark hair.

You say that it suits me
because it reminds you
of that meadow
of dancing wildflowers,
exotic and sweet.

Yet I can never
get used to the confusion
of honeyed tastes so cloying
that i feel tempted
to sneeze in exasperation.

It is too varied,
unknown, unaccustomed,
that i am afraid of
its scent so unfamiliar
yet so endearing to you.

I try to like it
yet do not know why
it appeals more to you;
I feel that difference achingly,
reminded that you are unknown after all.

4 June 2006

Holidays slipping by again... haiz..

Yet something occurred to me today, that love does bring people totally unknown at birth, well, lets just say perhaps since young then, to be more realistic, together. For me, i believe it's a frightening experience, for you do not know that person very well.

Then again, how well do you know your family, even, well, your siblings? Not very much in my case, where we don't often talk about our feelings. Yet to be deprived of that regular contact, or situation in which to understand that person better is frightening- at least you can reasonably predict your siblings reactions towards certain issues, in the emotive sense, as well as in their basic natures i suppose.

But here i am, generalizing again. I do suppose that i am referring to new-found love and not relationships that have lasted for many years. I suppose with independence of the sexes, we are afforded more time and leisure to know your partner before you marry. However, the notion of going into a new relationship and finding out something truly horrible has always lingered in my mind. I suppose no one wants to know a truly bad person, and thus the danger of love comes in.

It leaves you open to the attacks of totally unknown, and possibly dangerous characters whom you have but a cursory knowledge of. I suppose it is very timid of me to be jumping at shadows, wondering or anticipating that possible hurt before it has happened, but i do believe that it is a reasonable fear, for no one likes to be hurt, do they?

Ok, found that i've crapped quite alot on a random idea. Why do i have the leisure? I must be insane, with art on tues.Save me from total ruin man...

Time

2006-06-03T12:43:00.000+08:00

As i walk along your
winding path,
my skirts billow out behind me
from the cool north wind
that attacks mercilessly
whipping against my unprotected face.

I long to turn around
but i dare not.
I long to gaze backward,
but i cannot,
for i know
i will no longer walk forward
if i give myself to temptation
allowing the warmth of the sun
to fall on my closed lids.

How i long to stay
in memory forever,
sinking
into that warm quagmire
unable to extricate myself-
not that i would want to.
It is like sinking into warm chocolate;
so sweet, flowing richly.

But i am forced to travel against harsh wind
trudging along that winding path
where rocks dig into feet
and mud impedes my wretched journey.
It is because the path winds on
and i am compelled by the wind
to move,
even as it rages against me.

03 June 06

Going to pasir ris in a bit, will be back tomorrow nite. How I begrudge the time lost! But I really want to see my cousins and aunts, so i suppose it is inevitable. I am quite certain it will be fun, yeps;p

Death at Sea

2006-06-02T12:33:00.000+08:00

The day i died
I felt most alive.

The sun-kissed beach
was soft, gritty gold between my toes.

The lull of the solemn sea
pulled me toward its turquoise depths.

Salty wind combed my hair
lashing my face laughingly.

It was a picturesque day,
a perfect day to die.

Coldness dragging at my ankles,
the sea drew me into her liquid embrace;

She wore a shining diamond dress
adorned by a jewelled shower from Heaven.

It was a doorgift from above,
telling me of the welcome that awaits.

I walked with steady stride
knowing my lover across will patiently bide.

Into my watery grave i willingly went
taking a deep breath that scented of sea and death.

02 June 06

It is Vanity

2006-06-01T08:18:00.000+08:00

It is self-vanity
that leads me to yearn
for a recognition that is
unwonted.

Is there the need
to fight for a so-called
passion; when it would be less troublesome
to sink in annonymity?

What that inspires me to dream
must be sunk in practicality.
What that gives affirmation
I must suffer in my heart.

Perhaps it will all be nothing,
it is not joy that i feel
but emotinless calculation
that i show to unforgiving circumstance.

01 June 06

Yet another day has gone by, leaving me to gape uselessly in its wake. How helpless i feel, and not only about this. It seems that my love will not be satisfied, it is by a world too pragmatic for romance, or the notion of it. I must resign myself to Fate, and thank God for what i have. I hope this does not flavour of bitterness, for i do not feel it, only a small degree of resignation.

P.s. I have just gotten inhto the semi-finals of the poetry contest, they sent the letter yesterday.