Run
Flip-flop, flip-flop...
my footsteps
slap against the cold
hard ground.

Slip-splash, splash-skid...
my slippers
slither through puddles-
I almost fall.

I have been running,
flip-flop-splash-skid-
running God knows where,
searching-
for that elusive
shadow that I want to be.

Don't look,
flip-flop, skid-dash,
don't stop,
never stop.
Don't look,
never see.

What I will find,
I might not like.
What I will see,
will cause me to howl,
scream, rage, shout, wail-
and make me want to run away.

That shadow
does not want light-
that silhouette,
needs no exposure-
for it is afraid-
too afraid,
of being ugly,
a monster that lurks,
unbidden,
never wanted.

Yet I run, scamper,
always adapting,
like a dreaded chameleon,
trying to be that cool graphite stone,
that flexible branch,
that invisible reflection-
of what is admired,
yet can never be.

can't believe it- slept at 2 am today, woke up at 3... hey, that's one hr later... wonder why i'm not tired? n wonder why my upset stomach still refuses to quiet itself... dots...

i believe i haven written much of my personal reflections before this, so will take this time to complain, and celebrate! after today, coursework will be officially over!!!! provided i get thru today... just want to take this opp to say a huge SORRY and THANK YOU to all the people who have witheld comment at my crazy and totally irresponsible behaviour this past.... i dunno, 6 weeks? n no, i did not just win an emmy, hahaz;p

n most of all, I HAVEN'T played since prelim ended, n i'm DYING to go out!!!! As soon as my pernicious flu heals anyway...

So it's 6 plus now, hope i won fall asleep in class later...

What is guilt,
but an indulgence
in self-pity,
an affirmation
of your own
superiority
over others?

Why do we find it
easier
to forgive
another but
ourselves,
unable to accept
flaw
in our minds?

It is perfection
that drives
our dissatisfied
minds-
the contented
simply
accept
who they are-
is it better to be the wise,
or the fool?

My head
is like
a huge rubber
balloon
that hangs,
limp-
it is
leaking,
wheezing,
then-
BANG!
How I wish
it would
explode
spewing bits
of red
fluff,
leaving
a balloon-shaped
hole
in the air,
an extinct
space
where
a head once was
there now is
emptiness.
The scarecrow falls
into the girl-shaped
grave-
without a head.

18 Sept. 2006

Ever felt like the end of the world is here, and just wanting to sit back and ignore everything, even the rubble that falls from the stupid, white-washed ceiling? Yep, that just about sums up how i'm feeling, just plain bored, and dissatisfied with my stupid life, and my stupid exams and my stupid everything. haiz. Just think it's my stupid headache ba, and the fact that lit is tomolo and art hist, and i haven studied for both. Yea, should pop the champagne, i've just slept the day away........... dots!@@!!!!!@!@!!!!

I am cold
I do not feel
Your warmth beside me.
The sharp, jagged
edges
of ice
all around
freeze
my cold
black
heart.
It moves
and stills,
threatening
to stop
at any minute.
If it
dies
and I am
gone-
will you still remember
the cold,
cold
ME,
the girl
with
the black heart?

Anyway, now she thinks of Estha and Rahel as Them, because separately, the two of them are no longer what They were or ever thought They'd be.

Ever.

Their lives have a size and a shape now. Estha has his and Rahel hers.

Edges, Borders, Boundaries, Brinks and Limits have appeared like a team of trolls on their separate horizons. Short creatures with long shadows, patrolling the Blurry End. Gentle half-moons have gathered under their eyes and they are as old as *Ammu was when she died. Thirty-one.

Not old.

Not young.

But a viable die-able age.

-The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy

*Ammu- mother

I really think that Roy's imagery is so rich- I wonder what inspires Indian and Japanese imagery- they're always so colourful, so different, so exotic. Estha and Rahel are twins btw. I've always wondered what bonded twins together. What does it feel like to have someone so close to you at birth, where a special bond exists beyond that of a normal sibling's?

Then again, i might just be romanticizing the notion, and the other 'part of you' might just be as annoying and irritating as a spoilt brat, hahaz. No offense to all twins out there! Haven't met a pair of identical twins yet though, wonder how it'll be like...

The day she died,
she died alone,
Out alone,
in cold winter snow.

The day she fell,
she fell and broke,
She fell and broke
where no one could tell.

The day she drowned
in crystal clear waters,
She bloodied those waters,
with mermaids around.

The day she lost
her soul to the river,
with her lover she drowned,
in waterlogged armour.

The day she left,
the tears unheeded,
Away from land so lovingly seeded,
with pain and death, and grief bereft.

How do I quiet
a restless spirit-
a silent voice
that writhes
like a dark, oily
serpent
in the deepest recesses
of my tired,
weary
heart?
I feel the weight
of an avalanche-
the waves that crash
in the ocean that traps me
beneath.
Wailing,
screaming,
fighting,
crying-
only to struggle
against invisible,
intangible walls
that bind me-
A Me shaped hole in
the earth
where I am supposed to be
there now is
Nothing
but black,
black space-
And Fear.

Distance

Distance
You sit quietly beside me
yet i feel a gaping, bleeding canyon between
Us.
I long to jump down
I long to reach the other shore
where you are lying
alone and in pain.
When you turn those sightless eyes
towards some point behind me-
When you clench your fists
to still the tremours in your soul
My heart cries-
It is ripped out, exposed to the frigid winter,
stabbed with a hundred icicles of words you do not say.
Cannot say.
Will not say.
Cannot trust.
Will not trust.
I am afraid.
Will I say something-
Wrong,
to make you hate me?
I am cowardly,
so I try to say the things you want to hear,
wondering if,
you'll hate me just the same.
All I can do, is wait for some move.
Of that corpse lying on the other shore
to raise the head that i so adore.
I will plunge willingly into bloody waters
to carry that umbrella that lovingly shelters
your ravaged soul-
and pray that you will know
that I am there
that you are not alone.

Help Me to Listen

Help Me to Listen
I cried when nobody understood me
but it was I who did not understand
the pain that I was causing
the pain I could not bear.

I tried to find a reason
I tried to shift the blame-
it was I who did not listen
it was I who did not care.

There it is again-
how fond I am of using 'I',
I never think of others,
thinking it was they who sought to hurt.

I ask why I think so negatively,
why I dwell so much on my own pain,
when there are others who are ailing,
from my unwillingness to lend a hand.

I reach out my hand,
only to snatch back from the heat
the heat that comes from heaven's light,
the glare that exposes me.

The fear only gets greater,
the more unwilling I am to give,
because i cannot put aside my selfish pride,
of looking worse than Me.

I wish I can forgo Me,
there is only one truth worth holding to.
I don't want to lie to myself
I want to make Him proud of me.

09 sept 2006

You Held Me Close

No words can ever be enough
to describe the welling up of tears,
the tightness in my heart,
the aching of my soul,
and the trembling under my heavy burden.

The gratefulness that I feel
is a petal in a gale
a droplet that falls into an ocean
a grain of sand on the beach,
in the face of Your mighty love!

It is dismissed,
because I am healed
bandages unwound from my aching eyes,
so that tears can fall freely down my face.
The light that I see,
is painful yet clear-
it is better to be wise than the fool.

I thank You for staying on the path,
even as i jumped down the ravine.
I thank You for never being away,
always calling from above,
just in sight of my unseeing eyes.

I thank You for You have held me close,
never letting me go,
even as i tried to push away Your hands that try only to protect me.

2 Sept 2006