I have sworn
that you would always be
the closest in my heart,
even as your presence
disappears in this world,
leaving only a lingering scent
of wildflowers, sweet and warm.
Yet I have broken this promise,
with the rising of his sun-like presence,
filling me to the brim with joy,
that overflows and pools around me,
a golden liquid path that glints in the light
and leads me to Paradise.
I cannot convince myself
that this love is wrong,
even as your presence diminishes,
a last sweet smile hovering in my dream,
as mist consumes your form.
I no longer see you
as clear as day, your smile as light as spring's breeze.
The cruel gentleness
that your image provides;
the memory that tears into my soul-
it is longed for and yet dreaded,
as elusive as the wind
it comes and goes,
and is yet never truly gone.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Where is the love?
What do I do when i run out of tears to cry
each of us living in our separate universes,
each trying to reach,
to reach out and be understood and loved,
to be comforted by acceptance
and warmed by camaraderie.
What do I do when nothing seems real,
each of us slogging mindlessly,
in attempts to outdo the other,
all the while forgetting
that we yearn for friendship and love,
not daggers of betrayal or stabs of rejection.
What do I shout to the limitless sky,
when I feel my presence is insignificant and unneeded,
when I cry to God only to hear a wordless reply,
all the while forgetting
it is not in the tangibles that all is conveyed,
and yet the intangibles are so easily ignored, overlooked.
It is a shame, really,
that life runs in circles.
The journey is never straight,
never easy,
mostly because we get sidetracked by conflicts,
tensions occurring in our mistrust and fear.
each of us living in our separate universes,
each trying to reach,
to reach out and be understood and loved,
to be comforted by acceptance
and warmed by camaraderie.
What do I do when nothing seems real,
each of us slogging mindlessly,
in attempts to outdo the other,
all the while forgetting
that we yearn for friendship and love,
not daggers of betrayal or stabs of rejection.
What do I shout to the limitless sky,
when I feel my presence is insignificant and unneeded,
when I cry to God only to hear a wordless reply,
all the while forgetting
it is not in the tangibles that all is conveyed,
and yet the intangibles are so easily ignored, overlooked.
It is a shame, really,
that life runs in circles.
The journey is never straight,
never easy,
mostly because we get sidetracked by conflicts,
tensions occurring in our mistrust and fear.
The explosion of quietness that hit her as she stepped into the house was disturbing, fearsome in its unknown quality. There seemed to be a shrill ring of a siren in the air, a warning, as she stepped through the doorway into what had been her home.
Had been, she reminded herself. And will never be again.
It had not been possible to cry less at her parents' funeral, and now she was alone.
Alone, except for a half-present aunt who tried to be around but had a life of her own to live. A life that had not included the care of her sixteen year old niece. Sometimes, especially when Sarah was in a rebellious mood and not feeling charitable enough to be civil, she wondered from the exasperation in her aunt's eyes if Florence resented her sister for dying and leaving her with an uncompliant teenager.
Not that Sarah cared anyway, what Florence thought. Not much. So many things had seemed trivial after the crash; so many things had changed that the tiny details of life no longer seemed worthy of note. Like the way her grades had plummeted, and the way her friends were shying away from her sharp-edged retorts and sarcastic comments.
They wanted to be there for her, tried to be understanding, but they didn't know how. They did not know the all-encompassing grief that engulfed her whenever she remembered her parents, the times they went for picnics at the beach, dinner at restaurants, or a holiday to Hong Kong. In death her parents were perfect, all traces of arguments gone, living saints in her mind's eye.
There could be no one to replace them, especially not her aunt, who had little tolerance for feelings other than her own and didn't know how to handle an emotionally unstable teenager.
"You should be glad that there's someone left to take care of you," she had shouted at the door that Sarah had shut in her face, as Sarah bit her lip and tears had washed her face anew. There could be no forgiveness after that, no hint of goodwill left in her bleeding heart to accept the blunt and clumsy love that Florence offered.
That was why she was back, in an empty house full of memories, of childhood innocence and adolecent regrets.
The sense of quiet was deep, sharp and yawning, like a dark sea that threatened to pull her in and drown her in its heaviness. She was alone, desperately so.
"I am alone now," she announced into the cool still air. There could be no response, only the lavender scent of air-freshener and books that reminded her of times that seemed long ago,that she had lost and could never find again.
Had been, she reminded herself. And will never be again.
It had not been possible to cry less at her parents' funeral, and now she was alone.
Alone, except for a half-present aunt who tried to be around but had a life of her own to live. A life that had not included the care of her sixteen year old niece. Sometimes, especially when Sarah was in a rebellious mood and not feeling charitable enough to be civil, she wondered from the exasperation in her aunt's eyes if Florence resented her sister for dying and leaving her with an uncompliant teenager.
Not that Sarah cared anyway, what Florence thought. Not much. So many things had seemed trivial after the crash; so many things had changed that the tiny details of life no longer seemed worthy of note. Like the way her grades had plummeted, and the way her friends were shying away from her sharp-edged retorts and sarcastic comments.
They wanted to be there for her, tried to be understanding, but they didn't know how. They did not know the all-encompassing grief that engulfed her whenever she remembered her parents, the times they went for picnics at the beach, dinner at restaurants, or a holiday to Hong Kong. In death her parents were perfect, all traces of arguments gone, living saints in her mind's eye.
There could be no one to replace them, especially not her aunt, who had little tolerance for feelings other than her own and didn't know how to handle an emotionally unstable teenager.
"You should be glad that there's someone left to take care of you," she had shouted at the door that Sarah had shut in her face, as Sarah bit her lip and tears had washed her face anew. There could be no forgiveness after that, no hint of goodwill left in her bleeding heart to accept the blunt and clumsy love that Florence offered.
That was why she was back, in an empty house full of memories, of childhood innocence and adolecent regrets.
The sense of quiet was deep, sharp and yawning, like a dark sea that threatened to pull her in and drown her in its heaviness. She was alone, desperately so.
"I am alone now," she announced into the cool still air. There could be no response, only the lavender scent of air-freshener and books that reminded her of times that seemed long ago,that she had lost and could never find again.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Death of the Rose
She lies concealed,
in the thorny underbush
that traps her from warmth;
imprisoned by the sharp venom
of threat and pain-
actions that are
unacted
yet still fearsome,
meaning that is unsaid,
yet so horribly conveyed.
The bleeding crimson
of the blood that does not
flow-
it has frozen in the
cold, the swell
of dark purple veins
belie the truth of
the inert heart;
so lovely,
but so cold.
in the thorny underbush
that traps her from warmth;
imprisoned by the sharp venom
of threat and pain-
actions that are
unacted
yet still fearsome,
meaning that is unsaid,
yet so horribly conveyed.
The bleeding crimson
of the blood that does not
flow-
it has frozen in the
cold, the swell
of dark purple veins
belie the truth of
the inert heart;
so lovely,
but so cold.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
So this will be my first official entry for the year...
well, i cant say that nothing much has happened, because so much has. Ppl might be wondering where i've disappeared to, but, well, to say the truth, i've never relli left except for the occasional trip to mars, hahas.
I'm working now at ben and jerry's, hahas, thanx to kim who came to pong chang on the first day!!!! I hope i can get the hang of everything soon, but janice and everyone is so helpful and encouraging, despite the high standards and expectations, that i feel quite relieved and enjoy working so much it's like fun everyday;p
Today's church gathering was such a success that i feel the love in the air, thank God for all the wonderful things that he has given mi!!! I'm like so stupid to be so negative all the time, because there is so much joy in life that i've missed just by moaning about things, that i've never relli felt young before. I relli want to change that now!
What is love? It's a rush of warmth when u feel the appreciation of the other. The thing that makes mi truly happy is when i feel that the other person can rely on me instead of mi always depending on that person. That kind of dependence i haf is the Yong En syndrome, hahas, the big brother syndrome, that i rely on him for stuff that i cannot do alone. Thanx a billion, big bro!
I guess that's the reason behind mi not confessing to the guy i've liked for so long at church. He's someone who inspires respect in mi, and i can feel that he values my words, which makes mi feel tingly all over, hahas. I've like given so much thought on this matter, fearing it to be puppy love or infatuation or just plain admiration, tt i've missed the point completely, i suppose. Love shouldn't be complicated or afraid, because it is something so rare and happy that it lights a person's soul from within and should leave no room for doubt or worry.
Missing the point is like so normal for mi. I think so much that i'm like sunny who chases his tail, haha. hurray for self inspection, and gambate for living life to the fullest! Haha!
well, i cant say that nothing much has happened, because so much has. Ppl might be wondering where i've disappeared to, but, well, to say the truth, i've never relli left except for the occasional trip to mars, hahas.
I'm working now at ben and jerry's, hahas, thanx to kim who came to pong chang on the first day!!!! I hope i can get the hang of everything soon, but janice and everyone is so helpful and encouraging, despite the high standards and expectations, that i feel quite relieved and enjoy working so much it's like fun everyday;p
Today's church gathering was such a success that i feel the love in the air, thank God for all the wonderful things that he has given mi!!! I'm like so stupid to be so negative all the time, because there is so much joy in life that i've missed just by moaning about things, that i've never relli felt young before. I relli want to change that now!
What is love? It's a rush of warmth when u feel the appreciation of the other. The thing that makes mi truly happy is when i feel that the other person can rely on me instead of mi always depending on that person. That kind of dependence i haf is the Yong En syndrome, hahas, the big brother syndrome, that i rely on him for stuff that i cannot do alone. Thanx a billion, big bro!
I guess that's the reason behind mi not confessing to the guy i've liked for so long at church. He's someone who inspires respect in mi, and i can feel that he values my words, which makes mi feel tingly all over, hahas. I've like given so much thought on this matter, fearing it to be puppy love or infatuation or just plain admiration, tt i've missed the point completely, i suppose. Love shouldn't be complicated or afraid, because it is something so rare and happy that it lights a person's soul from within and should leave no room for doubt or worry.
Missing the point is like so normal for mi. I think so much that i'm like sunny who chases his tail, haha. hurray for self inspection, and gambate for living life to the fullest! Haha!
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