Have you ever felt,
trapped,
where no one knows you,
or would want to.
Where you seem like a fragment of existence,
where no one can see
who you truly are.
The joys of the earth,
light of the morn and breeze of the night,
seem as non-existent
and far away
as if you were at the murky bottom
of that vast, wide sea,
gazing up at a moon that you cannot see
but know, fervently,
that if there.
The keys of that dusty piano,
seem to play just for you-
that haunting melody,
that speaks of someone lost,
never to be found,
again.
24 Sept 2007
You smile,
eye bags like swelling cresents,
lips stretching in a worm-like grimace,
reveaing teeth stained with caffaine.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Friday, September 07, 2007
And After a Long While with Zilch News...
I'm back! Hopfully for good. There is something to be said for regular writing, which i should get into regularly, or there would be a brain drain:(
What have i been doing since the As... well, alot has happened, so uch so that i feel jc was a million years away, in another lifetime. Life at NTU is great, as great as a sense of liberation can give you, though life at hall can be a tad lonely, especially for an unsociable person like me.
Work and personal life is very different, i realise. In the past it never seemed to be, but i guess i have more need for human contact now, though that sounds weird. I am extremely grateful to all my friends whom i have taken for granted- thank you for always reaching out to me.
I really feel that a person is really an isolated being. That's probably why we turn to the divine, who seems to have all the time and the mental inclination to care about you. One thing that I can say is that i have drawn so far away from God that even the Bible has ceased to inspire me- which is really bad. A mental lethargy- probably cause I have never really felt involved or engaged in church- it's just a great ball of sadness and misery for me there.
There was a time when I thought things could change, there was a time when thought effort could change things. I get discouraged easily. If i could live the moment, and not get stuck constantly in retrospection.
Really, sometimes life is so complicated.
What have i been doing since the As... well, alot has happened, so uch so that i feel jc was a million years away, in another lifetime. Life at NTU is great, as great as a sense of liberation can give you, though life at hall can be a tad lonely, especially for an unsociable person like me.
Work and personal life is very different, i realise. In the past it never seemed to be, but i guess i have more need for human contact now, though that sounds weird. I am extremely grateful to all my friends whom i have taken for granted- thank you for always reaching out to me.
I really feel that a person is really an isolated being. That's probably why we turn to the divine, who seems to have all the time and the mental inclination to care about you. One thing that I can say is that i have drawn so far away from God that even the Bible has ceased to inspire me- which is really bad. A mental lethargy- probably cause I have never really felt involved or engaged in church- it's just a great ball of sadness and misery for me there.
There was a time when I thought things could change, there was a time when thought effort could change things. I get discouraged easily. If i could live the moment, and not get stuck constantly in retrospection.
Really, sometimes life is so complicated.
Monday, February 19, 2007
After reading Flowers for Algernon, I feel myself examining how i truly feel about Yong Li.
Have I truly seen him as a person? Or is he merely another presence in my life, unknown and disregarded? Is he an afterthought, without his own character to distinguish him as worthy of attention?
Perhaps i'm being too hard on myself, but i find that i have never truly thought about how he might feel, always assumed that i treat him well.
I feel so many emotions, whenever i think about why things have happened the way they do, i feel like crying, like raging why! and trying to convince myself that God intended this to make us learn something. It is unfair, and it hurts because i cannot bring myself to see him as a person. Knowing that he needs love and attention, i have to admit that selfish emotions boil up, an instinctive reaction in me that i know he does not deserve.
How am I supposed to feel? Pity? Love? Despair? Hate? Reluctance? Anger?
Everyday I am faced with all these, and I am determinedly trying to ignore and suppress and hide these behind a wall of obliviousness and guilt. I have never tried to understand, because i hate not being able to resolve it and move on. There is NOTHING to resolve, except my steadfast denial and neglect of a brother that does not announce his presence by asserting himself. In some ways he is most worthy of love, because he does not ever place expectations, accepts me as the way i am, and never demand that i apologize for the things i do not do for him, for all the time that I dont think of him.
It is not Love, but Need.
Perhaps that is why i resent him sometimes, because I know that I will, forever, be the one who will give more than i can receive. But that is not true. It is unfair and undeserving to think that, because in his closed world we might mean more to him than we think. Might. God, I hate uncertainties, but it is always an unopened Pandora's box with Yong Li.
Perhaps it is time that i looked beyond my own selfishness. It is difficult to be accepting, unreserved love requires as much, if not more effort than it sounds. But i think it's time i stopped running, stopped to see and allow myself to feel. There are so many parts of Yong Li that I love, so much that i have to find out. I might not like what i find, about him as well as about myself, but it's a start. Ignorance is not an excuse, it is cowardice, of fearing to reach out and understand.
And maybe then i'll find hope at the bottom of the box.
Have I truly seen him as a person? Or is he merely another presence in my life, unknown and disregarded? Is he an afterthought, without his own character to distinguish him as worthy of attention?
Perhaps i'm being too hard on myself, but i find that i have never truly thought about how he might feel, always assumed that i treat him well.
I feel so many emotions, whenever i think about why things have happened the way they do, i feel like crying, like raging why! and trying to convince myself that God intended this to make us learn something. It is unfair, and it hurts because i cannot bring myself to see him as a person. Knowing that he needs love and attention, i have to admit that selfish emotions boil up, an instinctive reaction in me that i know he does not deserve.
How am I supposed to feel? Pity? Love? Despair? Hate? Reluctance? Anger?
Everyday I am faced with all these, and I am determinedly trying to ignore and suppress and hide these behind a wall of obliviousness and guilt. I have never tried to understand, because i hate not being able to resolve it and move on. There is NOTHING to resolve, except my steadfast denial and neglect of a brother that does not announce his presence by asserting himself. In some ways he is most worthy of love, because he does not ever place expectations, accepts me as the way i am, and never demand that i apologize for the things i do not do for him, for all the time that I dont think of him.
It is not Love, but Need.
Perhaps that is why i resent him sometimes, because I know that I will, forever, be the one who will give more than i can receive. But that is not true. It is unfair and undeserving to think that, because in his closed world we might mean more to him than we think. Might. God, I hate uncertainties, but it is always an unopened Pandora's box with Yong Li.
Perhaps it is time that i looked beyond my own selfishness. It is difficult to be accepting, unreserved love requires as much, if not more effort than it sounds. But i think it's time i stopped running, stopped to see and allow myself to feel. There are so many parts of Yong Li that I love, so much that i have to find out. I might not like what i find, about him as well as about myself, but it's a start. Ignorance is not an excuse, it is cowardice, of fearing to reach out and understand.
And maybe then i'll find hope at the bottom of the box.
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Your Cruel Gentleness
I have sworn
that you would always be
the closest in my heart,
even as your presence
disappears in this world,
leaving only a lingering scent
of wildflowers, sweet and warm.
Yet I have broken this promise,
with the rising of his sun-like presence,
filling me to the brim with joy,
that overflows and pools around me,
a golden liquid path that glints in the light
and leads me to Paradise.
I cannot convince myself
that this love is wrong,
even as your presence diminishes,
a last sweet smile hovering in my dream,
as mist consumes your form.
I no longer see you
as clear as day, your smile as light as spring's breeze.
The cruel gentleness
that your image provides;
the memory that tears into my soul-
it is longed for and yet dreaded,
as elusive as the wind
it comes and goes,
and is yet never truly gone.
that you would always be
the closest in my heart,
even as your presence
disappears in this world,
leaving only a lingering scent
of wildflowers, sweet and warm.
Yet I have broken this promise,
with the rising of his sun-like presence,
filling me to the brim with joy,
that overflows and pools around me,
a golden liquid path that glints in the light
and leads me to Paradise.
I cannot convince myself
that this love is wrong,
even as your presence diminishes,
a last sweet smile hovering in my dream,
as mist consumes your form.
I no longer see you
as clear as day, your smile as light as spring's breeze.
The cruel gentleness
that your image provides;
the memory that tears into my soul-
it is longed for and yet dreaded,
as elusive as the wind
it comes and goes,
and is yet never truly gone.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Where is the love?
What do I do when i run out of tears to cry
each of us living in our separate universes,
each trying to reach,
to reach out and be understood and loved,
to be comforted by acceptance
and warmed by camaraderie.
What do I do when nothing seems real,
each of us slogging mindlessly,
in attempts to outdo the other,
all the while forgetting
that we yearn for friendship and love,
not daggers of betrayal or stabs of rejection.
What do I shout to the limitless sky,
when I feel my presence is insignificant and unneeded,
when I cry to God only to hear a wordless reply,
all the while forgetting
it is not in the tangibles that all is conveyed,
and yet the intangibles are so easily ignored, overlooked.
It is a shame, really,
that life runs in circles.
The journey is never straight,
never easy,
mostly because we get sidetracked by conflicts,
tensions occurring in our mistrust and fear.
each of us living in our separate universes,
each trying to reach,
to reach out and be understood and loved,
to be comforted by acceptance
and warmed by camaraderie.
What do I do when nothing seems real,
each of us slogging mindlessly,
in attempts to outdo the other,
all the while forgetting
that we yearn for friendship and love,
not daggers of betrayal or stabs of rejection.
What do I shout to the limitless sky,
when I feel my presence is insignificant and unneeded,
when I cry to God only to hear a wordless reply,
all the while forgetting
it is not in the tangibles that all is conveyed,
and yet the intangibles are so easily ignored, overlooked.
It is a shame, really,
that life runs in circles.
The journey is never straight,
never easy,
mostly because we get sidetracked by conflicts,
tensions occurring in our mistrust and fear.
The explosion of quietness that hit her as she stepped into the house was disturbing, fearsome in its unknown quality. There seemed to be a shrill ring of a siren in the air, a warning, as she stepped through the doorway into what had been her home.
Had been, she reminded herself. And will never be again.
It had not been possible to cry less at her parents' funeral, and now she was alone.
Alone, except for a half-present aunt who tried to be around but had a life of her own to live. A life that had not included the care of her sixteen year old niece. Sometimes, especially when Sarah was in a rebellious mood and not feeling charitable enough to be civil, she wondered from the exasperation in her aunt's eyes if Florence resented her sister for dying and leaving her with an uncompliant teenager.
Not that Sarah cared anyway, what Florence thought. Not much. So many things had seemed trivial after the crash; so many things had changed that the tiny details of life no longer seemed worthy of note. Like the way her grades had plummeted, and the way her friends were shying away from her sharp-edged retorts and sarcastic comments.
They wanted to be there for her, tried to be understanding, but they didn't know how. They did not know the all-encompassing grief that engulfed her whenever she remembered her parents, the times they went for picnics at the beach, dinner at restaurants, or a holiday to Hong Kong. In death her parents were perfect, all traces of arguments gone, living saints in her mind's eye.
There could be no one to replace them, especially not her aunt, who had little tolerance for feelings other than her own and didn't know how to handle an emotionally unstable teenager.
"You should be glad that there's someone left to take care of you," she had shouted at the door that Sarah had shut in her face, as Sarah bit her lip and tears had washed her face anew. There could be no forgiveness after that, no hint of goodwill left in her bleeding heart to accept the blunt and clumsy love that Florence offered.
That was why she was back, in an empty house full of memories, of childhood innocence and adolecent regrets.
The sense of quiet was deep, sharp and yawning, like a dark sea that threatened to pull her in and drown her in its heaviness. She was alone, desperately so.
"I am alone now," she announced into the cool still air. There could be no response, only the lavender scent of air-freshener and books that reminded her of times that seemed long ago,that she had lost and could never find again.
Had been, she reminded herself. And will never be again.
It had not been possible to cry less at her parents' funeral, and now she was alone.
Alone, except for a half-present aunt who tried to be around but had a life of her own to live. A life that had not included the care of her sixteen year old niece. Sometimes, especially when Sarah was in a rebellious mood and not feeling charitable enough to be civil, she wondered from the exasperation in her aunt's eyes if Florence resented her sister for dying and leaving her with an uncompliant teenager.
Not that Sarah cared anyway, what Florence thought. Not much. So many things had seemed trivial after the crash; so many things had changed that the tiny details of life no longer seemed worthy of note. Like the way her grades had plummeted, and the way her friends were shying away from her sharp-edged retorts and sarcastic comments.
They wanted to be there for her, tried to be understanding, but they didn't know how. They did not know the all-encompassing grief that engulfed her whenever she remembered her parents, the times they went for picnics at the beach, dinner at restaurants, or a holiday to Hong Kong. In death her parents were perfect, all traces of arguments gone, living saints in her mind's eye.
There could be no one to replace them, especially not her aunt, who had little tolerance for feelings other than her own and didn't know how to handle an emotionally unstable teenager.
"You should be glad that there's someone left to take care of you," she had shouted at the door that Sarah had shut in her face, as Sarah bit her lip and tears had washed her face anew. There could be no forgiveness after that, no hint of goodwill left in her bleeding heart to accept the blunt and clumsy love that Florence offered.
That was why she was back, in an empty house full of memories, of childhood innocence and adolecent regrets.
The sense of quiet was deep, sharp and yawning, like a dark sea that threatened to pull her in and drown her in its heaviness. She was alone, desperately so.
"I am alone now," she announced into the cool still air. There could be no response, only the lavender scent of air-freshener and books that reminded her of times that seemed long ago,that she had lost and could never find again.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Death of the Rose
She lies concealed,
in the thorny underbush
that traps her from warmth;
imprisoned by the sharp venom
of threat and pain-
actions that are
unacted
yet still fearsome,
meaning that is unsaid,
yet so horribly conveyed.
The bleeding crimson
of the blood that does not
flow-
it has frozen in the
cold, the swell
of dark purple veins
belie the truth of
the inert heart;
so lovely,
but so cold.
in the thorny underbush
that traps her from warmth;
imprisoned by the sharp venom
of threat and pain-
actions that are
unacted
yet still fearsome,
meaning that is unsaid,
yet so horribly conveyed.
The bleeding crimson
of the blood that does not
flow-
it has frozen in the
cold, the swell
of dark purple veins
belie the truth of
the inert heart;
so lovely,
but so cold.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
So this will be my first official entry for the year...
well, i cant say that nothing much has happened, because so much has. Ppl might be wondering where i've disappeared to, but, well, to say the truth, i've never relli left except for the occasional trip to mars, hahas.
I'm working now at ben and jerry's, hahas, thanx to kim who came to pong chang on the first day!!!! I hope i can get the hang of everything soon, but janice and everyone is so helpful and encouraging, despite the high standards and expectations, that i feel quite relieved and enjoy working so much it's like fun everyday;p
Today's church gathering was such a success that i feel the love in the air, thank God for all the wonderful things that he has given mi!!! I'm like so stupid to be so negative all the time, because there is so much joy in life that i've missed just by moaning about things, that i've never relli felt young before. I relli want to change that now!
What is love? It's a rush of warmth when u feel the appreciation of the other. The thing that makes mi truly happy is when i feel that the other person can rely on me instead of mi always depending on that person. That kind of dependence i haf is the Yong En syndrome, hahas, the big brother syndrome, that i rely on him for stuff that i cannot do alone. Thanx a billion, big bro!
I guess that's the reason behind mi not confessing to the guy i've liked for so long at church. He's someone who inspires respect in mi, and i can feel that he values my words, which makes mi feel tingly all over, hahas. I've like given so much thought on this matter, fearing it to be puppy love or infatuation or just plain admiration, tt i've missed the point completely, i suppose. Love shouldn't be complicated or afraid, because it is something so rare and happy that it lights a person's soul from within and should leave no room for doubt or worry.
Missing the point is like so normal for mi. I think so much that i'm like sunny who chases his tail, haha. hurray for self inspection, and gambate for living life to the fullest! Haha!
well, i cant say that nothing much has happened, because so much has. Ppl might be wondering where i've disappeared to, but, well, to say the truth, i've never relli left except for the occasional trip to mars, hahas.
I'm working now at ben and jerry's, hahas, thanx to kim who came to pong chang on the first day!!!! I hope i can get the hang of everything soon, but janice and everyone is so helpful and encouraging, despite the high standards and expectations, that i feel quite relieved and enjoy working so much it's like fun everyday;p
Today's church gathering was such a success that i feel the love in the air, thank God for all the wonderful things that he has given mi!!! I'm like so stupid to be so negative all the time, because there is so much joy in life that i've missed just by moaning about things, that i've never relli felt young before. I relli want to change that now!
What is love? It's a rush of warmth when u feel the appreciation of the other. The thing that makes mi truly happy is when i feel that the other person can rely on me instead of mi always depending on that person. That kind of dependence i haf is the Yong En syndrome, hahas, the big brother syndrome, that i rely on him for stuff that i cannot do alone. Thanx a billion, big bro!
I guess that's the reason behind mi not confessing to the guy i've liked for so long at church. He's someone who inspires respect in mi, and i can feel that he values my words, which makes mi feel tingly all over, hahas. I've like given so much thought on this matter, fearing it to be puppy love or infatuation or just plain admiration, tt i've missed the point completely, i suppose. Love shouldn't be complicated or afraid, because it is something so rare and happy that it lights a person's soul from within and should leave no room for doubt or worry.
Missing the point is like so normal for mi. I think so much that i'm like sunny who chases his tail, haha. hurray for self inspection, and gambate for living life to the fullest! Haha!
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