Pride

Will Pride blind us
to false pretenses
just as the unseeing eye does
lower our hidden defenses?

I have been, yes, i won't deny it, obsessed with the movie pride and prejudice for the last few days, and it's such a great show!!!! There's nothing for it, i think it's better than even Phantom, hahaz. Probably because Austen's satirical style so appeals to my critical side. I so adore clever people, or at least, insightful ones. It's really a great joy when you speak with hidden volumes and people actually understand, hahas. I guess your minds must work on the same frequency to do that, and the fact that i can finally comprehend Austen's style and meaning- the chemistry is simply amazing! hahaz...

Ok, just took a look at the last paragraph of gushings and it seems like i'm crazy, so stop, haz. Yep, the intricate examination of the social system of her times is what separates Austen from the boring authors of her time, heh, though i can't really credit that remark, since i haven't done an extensive study of the literature then. But, i can say with perfect resolution that Austen is and will always hold a special place in my heart, as one of my FAVOURITE authors. Although I admire her greatly, i think, and quote from Lizzie, that such an accomplished lady would be 'fearsome to behold!' One might be accutely synthesized and disregarded even before one opens her mouth to start a conversation, which is by no means intelligeble unless liberally showered with extensive vocab... do you not agree?

Just another look at what i found on the webbie:

Moggach reflects: "I've emphasized it as being Lizzie's story. Unlike in the novel, she keeps her secrets to herself and they are a great burden to her. There are things she can't confide to her parents, her best friend Charlotte, or even her beloved sister Jane. Lizzie suffers alone. She sees her father neglecting her sisters- he ignores Lydia's follies, which facilitates her elopement- and she views her parnet's marriage as a tragicomedy. Lizzie sees Charlotte, for the sake of security, marry the odious Mr Collins, and sees her beloved sister sink into lovesick misery. She also wonders if her own chance of happiness is disappearing. As she keeps all this to herself, we feel for her more and more. The truest comedy, I believe, is born from pain."

Joe Wright concludes," I think that what Jane Austen wrote was a fairy tale on some levels. I believe that all the best fairy tales are based in social realism, have inherent emotional truths that remain relevant through the generations, and are worth telling over and over again. Today, people are still falling in love, people are still prejudiced against others, and people are still too proud on occasion. We like to be told that love exists, and this story is a joyful and satisfying affirmation of that. Pride and Prejudice is a love story about how to try to understand one another.

Yep, P and P rox!

Raptured Heart

I wish i could stop breath
from flowing
because the pain
that lives
leaves
too much
that i cannot bear.

I do not need the
blood
that courses in
my raptured
heart;
it is a swollen
pulsing fruit
gone rotten.

Will it ever
heal-
can i leave
it in the
icebox
to freeze,
Numb,
so that i do not
feel the agony?

I refuse
to break down
but it feels
that i am fighting
against myself
not to feel,
to stop the tears,
overwhelming feelings that
my body remembers-
even as my mind
tries to forget.

25 May 2006

really, it's amazing what a random thought can spin- this poem wasn't meant to be so dark i think, but hahaz, i guess i kinda like the imagery as it is.

Just a thought- i wonder how poems 'get born'? I actually have no idea what i'm going to write when i compose- i just start with a random feeling, and the details just spill out when i write- it's an impulse thing, that's why i like it so much. And another note- it's when i try to rhyme when you see that i'm not feeling in the mood to compose, hahaz, cause the words don't come as naturally and i need the rhyming scheme to help mi generate ideas. I find the rhymes help mi with the subject matter- trying to find rhymes will give me additional trains of thought, try it!

Elven Lady

Your eternal grief
lays bleakly ahead.;
The prospect of no relief,
leaves one better off dead.

How can you cling
to that which causes you so much pain,
rather than accepting Death's offered thing
tearing away from life's cheerful taint?

How can you withstand
never-ceasing misery
that leaves your heart slowly to rend
itself among brightly burning finery?

Are you afraid
of Death's inconstant nature
that to torment even the dead,
never to find love's constant feature?

Or it is to salve
the pain of living care
that to stop a life's beating valve
would earn added grief without compare?

May 23, 2006

it's been a long time since i was last here, am struggling thru the moulds of work now piling up. I'm not surprised i'm thinking of death at this time, and the relief it would bring... but that's a depressing thought. Surely there is more in life to cling to than simply seeking the embrace of death. Although it leads to heaven, where there is no misery.

Or is there?

I wonder how we would feel as we look upon loved ones from above. Do we become dispassionate, merely gazing at the futile lives of those below, with a bemused glance, or a righteous anger at a mortal's stupidity? Indeed, as i am reaing The Outstretched Shadow, one phrase caught my attention, that of an elf commenting that we humans die just as we begin to mature and comprehend life.

If this is true, i would believe that the purpose of life is to make us mature enough for heaven.

Will we then submit to practicality and learn to forgo our hot-headed impulses and reactions that make us so human? Or will we dwell in supposed serenity, turning a dispassionate gaze at our fellow mortal counterparts?

Is it true that time salves all wounds, by making our senses immune? To heal and become stronger, in a less humane manner?

Lady

Your yellow silken tresses
flow softly across your face
your finely porcelain features
hidden shyly from day.

You gaze wistfully
at the sky
through thin golden slits
in your softly shimmering mask.

Is there anything
that will turn your beautiful head
to acknowledge the pitiful
suitors behind?

21 May 2006

Thank you for Just being There

There are some things
you cannot share,
there are innocent flings
you do not dare.

When I feel so alone
you cannot bear
but speak in comforting tones,
hoping my troubles will better fare.

I thank you
with a cynic smile,
though my words are few
in your heart they dutifully file.

There are some memories
you cannot touch
but you recall all the gentle stories
that make love felt so much.

19 May 2006

I have been abandoned
subject to the rude wind that blows
unceasingly, callously.

I feel the pressure
of a sea of waves
crashing down on me.

I cannot breathe
I feel so lost
yet i suffer in silence.

What is the point
of screaming,
knowing that no one will save you?

To live is to suffer,
to cower from pain;
would you not live at all?

16 May 2006

I haven't been updating on this blog, been feeling really busy, plus the fact that i get headaches from long exposure to the screen. Will try to keep up, though not very optimistic. Hardly had time to edit the dedications that i just put up.

Hope that it'll get better, and for the stress to go away. Benn in a daze for the past few days. Cao...

I'm in a frenzy to update for the past 3 days, so pls bear with it;p

Will you love
knowing that love does not last
eternally?

Will you bear
the pain, unheeding agony
alone?

Is the short-lived joy
enough to remedy a parting
forever?

Why do you plunge,
eager to impale yourself on
the sharp thorns of a rose withered and torn?

13 May 2006

What has robbed me of the joy
that delights in Your love?
Why have Your Words become
so tedious
that I have come
to detest knowing?

Your love so great
yet my heart so unwilling-
I have sinned
yet I did not know.

I pray for strength
and hope to find
forgiveness,
Your glory and my Faith revived.

14 May 06

A Moral Compass

What is good
that we yearn within
yet cannot reach?

Why does our nature
lead us into evil
temptation, instead of righteousness?

Does the forbidden
fruit attract us
such that we forget our humanity?

Or is it Humanity
that seeks to stumble us,
to fall from holy grace?

Is it true
that the Devil is
behind our devious thoughts?

Or is it
our frail attempts to justify
the evil within?

15 May 2006

Sacrifice

Its purpose
is to prevent
further pain and misery.

Yet it is not
that noble and
praiseworthy.

If
it causes more to be
damned, is it not futile?

To be selfish
to protect that which you
love- shall that be scorned?

13 May 2006

We Live- to Die

We live
to die
yet gain
from this
journey.

Is that
the sole
purpose
of Life,
that to
learn Death?

13 May 2006

Sian.

Was just reading the previous post. Found that the love i meant was the purer form of love, if it exists. The self-sacrificial type. Not the diluted love that is born of necessity or circumstance now. Do i make sense? I feel as if i don't...

Love, or Hate

I have loved you
till I hated you.

I hated that
you did not notice.

I hated that
you did not care.

I hated that
I loved enough,

To hate
that which is innocent.

12 May 06

Thought of that when i was reading a romance comic. I remembered that I had a crush on this guy before, though I've forgotten who he is(really, no kidding). It was like eons ago when i was still very affected by the fantasy stories that i read depicting happy endings and everything.

But what really stayed in my mind after that long and unrequited event was that it eventually became an emotion that i did not like. It was as if someone had to take the blame for that frustration, and it was always the other party, if not myself. In terms of self-accusation and hurt.

So it made me think, in terms of what dramas always say, that cliched line about there being only a thin line between love and hate. Is love really that pretty an emotion? The answer that i gave myself was- yes, only if you don't expect anything in return, which you almost always do. There are certain expectations, or desires, in the way you want things to turn out. And if it doesn't, that love turns into something ugly.

That's why i think people shouldn't fall in love until they can realise that love is not something that you can attach expectations to. No matter what anyone else assures you of.

Like a Child

We shy from sunlight
to hide in the shadowed darkness
of mighty trees
above us
because the light is-
blinding
and the heat is-
searing.

We seek reprieve
from what we are
from what is good.
We make excuses
to preserve our false
beauty,
ignoring the true
glory of God's light.

We know
yet don't act,
willing all to go away
to indulge in
selfish desires.
We are asking for judgement
just as an errant child
baits its forbearing father.

12 May 06

dont feel like writing today, but it was a normal, everyday day.

Daddy

I realise now,
that i never really knew
you,
what you liked
or otherwise.

I did not presume
your love was there,
because you were
reticent,
never speaking.

I never knew
that you cared;
that
I was the one who
did not love.

I took you
for granted,
thinking
that love seeks
to reveal itself.

I am sorry
that pride has
made
me blind to your
steadfast presence.

I will try
to express myself
first,
before I dare demand
an equivalent in return.

10 May 2006

Hmmm... what inspired this piece? I dont know. Normally I'm not relli close to my dad, cause I get put off whenever he talks to me and it's always about results and whether I'm studying and all.

It gets relli sian, and i always emerge from the 'confrontation' feeling that my only value to him was to make him look good.

But I was very surprised i guess, when i smsed him yesterday and he replied "Wen, u called Daddy?"

It was like, hello, did i eva call him daddy? Maybe it was his lack of vocab or that the phone did not support the chinese name that i always call him (he could always type papa though...), but i was struck by that childish use of name. I realised i never called him daddy, or anything that signalled a child's affection for her father. Heck, I never call him if i can help it, just try and stay out of sight of his bad temper, which i've not borne the full brunt of before. Yong En has, and it wasn't pretty. And of course, it was about his results, chinese to be exact, which my dad is pro in.

I realise i don't know my father, and likewise, he wouldn't know me now, would he?

I think the reason why he keeps harping about my results is because that's the only subject that he can relate to. He doesn't read the books (english and sci fi somemore...) and comics that i do, doesn't take the same subjects, and hell, not speak the language that i feel most comfortable in (english) most of the time. He tries to understand my art, and supports my interest wholeheartedly by telling mi he wants to send mi overseas to study art all the time, without knowing that it's conversely putting pressure on me. Maybe he does know, and wants to spur me on, i don't know...

thinking on all this, it's like all the reasons why my dad does what he does becomes clear- I detest his extra actions because i don't understand his intentions.

I don't know if that's how he feels, or that i'm trying to find excuses for his actions to make myself feel better. But I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. I get the conficting notion that my dad's actually quite a cool(sauve?) and understanding guy, from the instances when he cares about yong li alot, but his bad temper scares me off, thinking he's a real scary guy.

Living with him so long, i really feel that i'm understanding my dad for the first time. He's so busy and i hardly see him, so i take his behaviour for granted, fitting him into the childish mould/impression i have of him.

But i think it's time to grow up, and find out who the people around me really are. Ever since i had a good talk with my mom, i think we're definitely closer, and we understand each other now. We even call each other to go out, something i would NEVER have done last time.

I think i've been living in my own world of fantasy for too long. It's time to wake up and think about my life and the people around me. More than time.

p.s. my dad says that he's buying brands for mi to drink, seeing that i'm studying so hard... how touching is that?

It is a Long day...

The Autistic Man

You sit beside me
willing my reluctant gaze
to fall upon you.

I do not know
how I can meet your forthright
stare, without pity or discomfort.

How can I understand
your inner thoughts so alien,
yet so human?

I have not the courage
to return your smile
that of innocence too compelling to refuse.

09 May 06

Trapped

I am trapped
in a warm and comforting place.

I warm my hands with a steaming cup,
while the dreaded storm rages outside.

Lightning strikes,
Thunder booms.

I am safe.
I am warm.

Yet I am trapped.
Yet I cannot leave.

Should I even try?

09 May 2006

The Rain Never Stops

It never does
stop,
those tears
that fall from above,
all those
drops like pats on my shoulder.

They remind me,
like guardian angels,
of those eyes above me,
reminding me of His presence
and of His never-ending love.

09 May 2006

It was a long day today.

Actually, let off from skool at 1245, went for lunch at Thompson plaza, and got Sunny's food. Then i went home, took a bath, went to Clarke Quay to take pics. It was overcast but i managed to walk ard quite a bit before it started pouring. It was the whole zoo, by the way, not just domestic animals.

I got stuck at Coffee Bean for more than an hour(total waste of time), but had a coffee, so am still very awake now. Wrote and thought quite alot during that period, but seemed to have made no headway on my coursework.

I dunno why, but I have a mental block around that subject, sheesh.
Oya, just thought of another poem...

The Ultimate Lie

What is a lie
but a murmur of possibility
an insinuation of probability
a flawed attempt to twist human sensibility?

What is a hope
but a glimmer of possibility
a belief in probability
a steadfast attempt to deny human sensibility?

To hope is to lie
for to hope is against logic
to lie is to preserve flawed rationality
but both salve the grief of human imperfection.

09 May 06

I Can Never Know You

My heart breaks into
a thousand pieces,
each reflecting
a different view of
your blood-red cloak.

It is a cloak of mystery,
one that hides
your body from
my view, a strange
enigma in plain sight.

I do not like
that part of you
that hides
away from me
that I can never touch.

I do not know
You,
the part that is
ashamed of
something I call light.

08 May 2006

I've just been looking thru all of the entries that i've put up recently. I think i'm obsessed with the truth. Yet it is a fact that no one can be truly truthful to another.

It takes a saint to not hide.

Perhaps even a saint has something he or she does not want to share.

Truth is elusive.

I might not think i'm hiding anything, yet the things i don't say leaves something unresolved.

Is there truth?

Or is it a futile search for the unattainable?

It takes Courage to say the Truth

Can I trust you
to tell me the truth
even if
it will hurt me?

Will you claim
that your noble love
excuses
all your lies and deceptions?

Do you think
you know me
enough
to justify your actions?

Is it presumed
that i am unable
to penetrate
all your false pretenses and knowing smiles?

Your intentions are unquestioned
your care taken for granted.
I don't know
if I am wrong to ask for more.

6 May 06

wrote this yesterday. But didn't feel like typing it in though. Feel so dead, especially for tomolo's econs test. Later I still haf to go take pic. feel like dying.

Where's my coffin?

Where were You?

You were never there
when i needed
your assurance,
when i longed for your healing presence.

You only creep up
slowly behind me,
infusing me with warmth
enfolding me in arms that promise eternal safety.

Why do you lie
when you cannot fulfill
that futile hope,
coldly pushing me off jagged cliffs of ice?

Just as i submersed
myself into the comfort of downy nest,
there were daggers
pierced through my unprotected breast.

06 May 2006

been some time since i last talked on this blog actually. Haiz, feeling this sense of purpose, and yet it is so hard to move those inertia bound hands! hahaz. The closest i can bring myself to is to write my blog, which is not work at all... hmmm, what a failure i am at self-discipline!

The above poem is directed at- yep, not a person, but Joy. Does that sound much clearer now? I'm not gg over the other end for some person, hahaz. Joy is never there when i need it, and although my more practical side knows that as an inevitability, my more emotional side blames it. Why can i not summmon it at will? What drives my emotions such that i cannot control myself?

Just as Depression, Anger, Rage, Hurt fill me, why can i not summon the Joy that would heal me and make me forget my troubles, just for an eternal instant? It is a helpless sort of resentment, at something that is against logic, i suppose. When you are angry you just are, and it is not healthy to suppress it by replacing it with joy.

Why am i personifying emotion, hahaz. I feel i'm just weird. Shi wei says i think too much, and i think so too. (In case you're reading this, i appreciate the confidence you have in me, by confiding in me yesterday. Let's jia you together;p) I think alot on things people find logical. Why the heck would someone be blaming joy for not being there? A normal person would thank it reverently for being there sometime... Maybe i'm just rebellious, or blamehardy, hahaz... is there such a word? I just need to blame something, so i guess you're it, Joy, even though you are just an emotion.

I am Love

I am
the tear
that drips
from softly petalled
roses.

I am
the knife
that stabs
through injured bleeding
hearts.

I am
the truth
that pierces
into denying
minds.

I am
the joy
that stays
in so fleeting, those
smiles.

I am
gone so
quickly,
yet last in mem'ry,
remembered.

5 May 06

The Lord is my light and my salvation- whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life- of whom shall I be afraid?

-Psalm 27:1-3

ps. I found this verse really reassuring. I hope it speaks for you too;)

Do you Fear?

Fear
is the mind killer,
for it throws all thoughts into blank
Space, where void dwells in parasitic estasy.

Fear
stops all mindful solutions,
evokes all animalistic instinct,
that of plunging into wild confusion.

Fear
destroys all hope
turning you blind like a worm,
left to writhe in agony.

04 April 2006

Hmm, don't really feel much for this piece, thoughts are coming a little slow today...

Just went to cut my hair, shortest ever, hahaz. Hope won't look too bad once it's dry...

Yep, today had photo taking, last day with long hair, tanoshimi!

To my Mother

There are times
when i love you more than words can say,
when sweetness like the ice-cream bell chimes
with promise of summer that seems so gay.

There are times
when i wish you were never there
when i wish i could keep you away with dimes
of selfish denial that filth cannot compare.

But you can withstand
all of my nonsense,
and make me realise your gentle hand
has always supported my absurd notions.

How I wish I could thank you everyday
when i can dwell under your gentle angel's wing
where in safe haven i huddle from fray,
humming to comfort's calming ring.

03 May 2006

To Live for Me

I do not think
when i live
because it is hard
to find that balance
between confidence and
despair.

It is easier
for you to make the decision
for I will not worry
that it is my fault
that has caused
so much misery
and Pain.

But I know now
I cannot live thus
because I feel
because I care
about what I do
I want to express myself
and so must do away
with all useless fears
and live
finally
for myself.

02 May 2006

Feel as if I have finally awoken from a long dream- into a waking nightmare.

There is so much to do.

But I shall finally live for myself.

Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything extreme.

To be or not To be, that is the Question

Is it better not to have loved,
for the sharp daggers of broken promise
stab through the cold forsaken premise,
leaving a wandering spirit lost as it roved?

Is it better not to have known
the gentleness of alluring endearments,
the tenderness of disguised irony as it ferments
deep in the web of deceptions that prey has flown?

Is it better to live in ignorance,
peering through red-stained glass,
in rosy hues without fuss,
hoping that it will last in desperate reverence?

O1 May 2006

Today is labour's day, and a holiday, hahaz. Actually, i did quite alot of things, so i'm quite happy. It's just the progress of art is very very very slow, so i'm a bit worried, haiz.

Went to sam today with weilian, but not really much to see. Wanted to go get her slide film, but the shop was not open, grrr.... shuld have anticipated that. Anyways, went to her hse to study after that, did econs, and yadda... hmm, wonder why i'm so long-winded today, must be tired.

O well, to make this short, yeps, still haf a painting to do, so cant stay long. Hope won miss anymore days for blogging, but think that the likelihood is quite big... haiz..