Why I Live

I remember a phrase that kim mentioned about this blog, that i only post poems here. I also remember what shi wei said about what a person can say on a blog and what she will not feel comfortable with sharing. So why bother writing, huh? I also read something that faith said about being totally honest in her blog, and how it does not mean that we know her just because we read it.

I confess that I do make that assumption that I know her, at least a little, from what I read, because I feel that whatever a person writes is really a window to his/her soul. Be it from the satirical wit or brainless chatter, there's something you gather about the person from the style of writing and all. There are times when I sit with a pen or in front of the com and i try to squeeze something out- the words I write are mostly a reflection of my emotions though, which is why you realise that I post poems all the time. Poetry is an outlet which I try to synthesize all my emotions into imagery that I find most apt at that time. Which means it's not a thinking exercise, it's a reacting exercise. I don't think much, just react.

I guess that's why my poems lament the fact that 'I don't think when I live'- I think I know deep down that i'm living a meaningless existence of studying day by day. Writing requires brain I guess, not just an emotive source- although it makes it more impactful to write when u feel for what you are writing. I remember when I was young when there never seemed to be enough time- I hated to sleep because that would take time away from something constructive that I could do. Now I leap at the chance to shut down, and textbooks and notes don't make up for much brainwork, just mindless memorization. How I long for the time when I did'nt seem to sleep- my brain undergoes an 8 hr thinking exercise in which my subconscious runs through the things that I'm thinking about before i sleep. Now I'm so wiped out that I blank out every night.

I don't think anymore.

I guess I'm just not into living anymore, because there is no meaning. I'm more interested in Death and what it holds, because it would be a change. But I think it's because I've stopped stimulating my brain- I hardly read anymore, I find- there's just not enough time. But that's an excuse. There's always time, time when i lament the fact that i'm tired, or that life's meaningless. I need constant reminder that there's some things worth living for, and books did that for me. I guess I should read more now, even if i don't haf time. Reading is the only thing that lifts my spirits, I find- well, except reading skool stuff, haz.

Anyway, just a last thought: I've always wondered why satire is so popular, the genre I mean. I like reading it, but it's a critical commentary; do people like criticizing each other that much? Ya, I mean to write a good, logical and interesting satire there has to be a certain level of wit and humour- the ability to laugh at others, but isn't that just an exercise to put down others? It shows how clever you are, how good ur language and how astute you are, but it's not very nice to laugh at others. Is it because we need people to remind us of our human weaknesses that we have such critical commentaries? Yes, we do gain from the ideas, i suppose, and we learn from other's mistakes, to be more perceptive. But I can't help but wonder if there is an undercurrent of smug superiority, that "I know more than you and I'm smarter than you so take the criticisms quietly" mentality. If that's so, then I don't wonder why we can't live as peacefully as before, when all of us are jumping to criticize the faults of others.

haiz, dreary thought, ain't it?

Ps, sometimes I look at the stuff I write and realise how naive I am- why should people care about hurting others through their remarks? It's a mark of achievement to spot the errors of others- they're just trying to help others improve right? I guess my sense of right and wrong is just too naive. I tend to see things in black and white, even when there's so many shades of grey. And they call mi an art student, hahs...