A blessing or a drag?

today's gp paper was quite a killer- all the questions were like so difficult. I think the teachers deliberately set all the hard questions from all the topics, makes mi shudder at the thought of going thru the rest of the subjects, lit and ECONS! haven relli touched those two.

Haiz, feel so depressed, it's like all the stress is piling in. I wanted to put all thoughts behind and study first, but my dad keeps asking mi to look out for the uni courses. I'm like, pls lo, if i cant pass my As then don even think of gg to uni!

But maybe he needs time to plan out ba. If i'm taking an art course it's gg to be a hell of alot of money, and i feel guilty enough using so much money now. Checking out all the courses overseas though, if we were rich, i don't mind going out for a look, hahaz.

i'm realising that it's my last few months to make a difference(about time too!). It's been weighing on my mind- i relli want to do better than my bro(who doesn't?) cause i don't think i'll merit a scholarship otherwise, and that's the only way i can go overseas without feeling that i've added an additional burden on my parents. The possibility that i might not do well enough to get anywhere is driving me insane. I relli want to take things one at a time, but i realise that no one's going to wait for mi, especially not a levels.

Am i worrying too much? looking at what i'm writing, i feel a sense of detachment, like i'm not really feeling anything, but i'm trying my best to throw the panic out of the window- it's not going to help much, that i noe.

I feel so useless, and i'm doing useless stuff to run away from my problems, like not going to church and reading storybooks which are- yep, not in my syllabus. I relli don't feel like doing things that i hate, or feel uncomfortable with, like pretending i have a life at church, or pretending that i have something to talk about to the people there. They don't understand me, or seem to want to. Perhaps that's not doing them justice, since i don't go out of my way to initiate much conversations. Maybe they're intimidated by me, i don't know, or feel that it's hard to talk to me. I feel that i'm being judged for everything that i say there, like not being a good enough Christian or that i'm deviating from the faith.

I relli admire wei lian, she's relli firm about what she wants and does with regards to God. I feel sometimes that i would like not to be a christian, to throw away all the obligations and troubles, but i noe it's not just about me. It's about God too, and i don't think i can survive without Him. They're right i guess; once u know God, the bond is forever, and i'm grateful for that. I noe that God will not forget me no matter how bad i am, and i'm trying to live up to that.

That's why i got baptized i think, because i want, no- need to do something for God to show how much His presence in my life means to me. But the pressure is really great- i spend my time avoiding people at church (i'm such an introvert la) so as not to endure awkward moments when there's nothing to say. I do badly with impromptu talk- i need to have a close relationship with someone before i feel safe enough to talk from my heart, and nobody in church can or is willing to do that for me.

Haiz, so depressing. i finally realised after i spewed everything out that i really feel this way all along. Before this everything was just a lump of emotion, but now everthings out- so wad am i gg to do about it? Nothing i guess, unless stress makes mi explode or something. I'm really trying very hard for this blog test- if something goes wrong i'll be relli sad, haix...

So far it's been postponed cause of the seameo exhibition, so i'll have more time to study and everything. hopefully it'll be enough, but i dunno. is it a blessing or a drag to have all the tests later?