Daddy

I realise now,
that i never really knew
you,
what you liked
or otherwise.

I did not presume
your love was there,
because you were
reticent,
never speaking.

I never knew
that you cared;
that
I was the one who
did not love.

I took you
for granted,
thinking
that love seeks
to reveal itself.

I am sorry
that pride has
made
me blind to your
steadfast presence.

I will try
to express myself
first,
before I dare demand
an equivalent in return.

10 May 2006

Hmmm... what inspired this piece? I dont know. Normally I'm not relli close to my dad, cause I get put off whenever he talks to me and it's always about results and whether I'm studying and all.

It gets relli sian, and i always emerge from the 'confrontation' feeling that my only value to him was to make him look good.

But I was very surprised i guess, when i smsed him yesterday and he replied "Wen, u called Daddy?"

It was like, hello, did i eva call him daddy? Maybe it was his lack of vocab or that the phone did not support the chinese name that i always call him (he could always type papa though...), but i was struck by that childish use of name. I realised i never called him daddy, or anything that signalled a child's affection for her father. Heck, I never call him if i can help it, just try and stay out of sight of his bad temper, which i've not borne the full brunt of before. Yong En has, and it wasn't pretty. And of course, it was about his results, chinese to be exact, which my dad is pro in.

I realise i don't know my father, and likewise, he wouldn't know me now, would he?

I think the reason why he keeps harping about my results is because that's the only subject that he can relate to. He doesn't read the books (english and sci fi somemore...) and comics that i do, doesn't take the same subjects, and hell, not speak the language that i feel most comfortable in (english) most of the time. He tries to understand my art, and supports my interest wholeheartedly by telling mi he wants to send mi overseas to study art all the time, without knowing that it's conversely putting pressure on me. Maybe he does know, and wants to spur me on, i don't know...

thinking on all this, it's like all the reasons why my dad does what he does becomes clear- I detest his extra actions because i don't understand his intentions.

I don't know if that's how he feels, or that i'm trying to find excuses for his actions to make myself feel better. But I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. I get the conficting notion that my dad's actually quite a cool(sauve?) and understanding guy, from the instances when he cares about yong li alot, but his bad temper scares me off, thinking he's a real scary guy.

Living with him so long, i really feel that i'm understanding my dad for the first time. He's so busy and i hardly see him, so i take his behaviour for granted, fitting him into the childish mould/impression i have of him.

But i think it's time to grow up, and find out who the people around me really are. Ever since i had a good talk with my mom, i think we're definitely closer, and we understand each other now. We even call each other to go out, something i would NEVER have done last time.

I think i've been living in my own world of fantasy for too long. It's time to wake up and think about my life and the people around me. More than time.

p.s. my dad says that he's buying brands for mi to drink, seeing that i'm studying so hard... how touching is that?