Where were You?

You were never there
when i needed
your assurance,
when i longed for your healing presence.

You only creep up
slowly behind me,
infusing me with warmth
enfolding me in arms that promise eternal safety.

Why do you lie
when you cannot fulfill
that futile hope,
coldly pushing me off jagged cliffs of ice?

Just as i submersed
myself into the comfort of downy nest,
there were daggers
pierced through my unprotected breast.

06 May 2006

been some time since i last talked on this blog actually. Haiz, feeling this sense of purpose, and yet it is so hard to move those inertia bound hands! hahaz. The closest i can bring myself to is to write my blog, which is not work at all... hmmm, what a failure i am at self-discipline!

The above poem is directed at- yep, not a person, but Joy. Does that sound much clearer now? I'm not gg over the other end for some person, hahaz. Joy is never there when i need it, and although my more practical side knows that as an inevitability, my more emotional side blames it. Why can i not summmon it at will? What drives my emotions such that i cannot control myself?

Just as Depression, Anger, Rage, Hurt fill me, why can i not summon the Joy that would heal me and make me forget my troubles, just for an eternal instant? It is a helpless sort of resentment, at something that is against logic, i suppose. When you are angry you just are, and it is not healthy to suppress it by replacing it with joy.

Why am i personifying emotion, hahaz. I feel i'm just weird. Shi wei says i think too much, and i think so too. (In case you're reading this, i appreciate the confidence you have in me, by confiding in me yesterday. Let's jia you together;p) I think alot on things people find logical. Why the heck would someone be blaming joy for not being there? A normal person would thank it reverently for being there sometime... Maybe i'm just rebellious, or blamehardy, hahaz... is there such a word? I just need to blame something, so i guess you're it, Joy, even though you are just an emotion.